‘A Perfect Storm’ or ‘Why Do I Suck At Helping?’
I never liked the title A Perfect Storm, it seems counter-intuitive. Perfect is a word usually associated with good things; a perfect score in Rock Band for example. I understand that the modifier Storm reverses it’s meaning, like a perfectly horrible day. But as time passes the more I see the phrase’s utility – when things come together to screw someone over it sums the situation up well enough.
So today I’m trying to help someone with a problem. First they lost something so I make time to help them look for it; I’m told I’m making things worse so I let it go and try to give it some time.
The issue progresses and evolves and I figured my prior mistake was to try and act without enough information so when the problem comes up again in a new form I try to see it from all angles, asking a lot of questions, throwing out a lot of possible scenarios before doing anything, trying to make sure I understand it better so I don’t blindly rush in thinking I’m helping when somehow I’m making things worse. Then the questions make the person I’m trying to help upset.
Okay, give it more time I figure – it’s about the one thing I seem to have done right in the situation thus far so I figure I should stick to the only thing that seems to work.
Someone else eventually solves the problem so since the solution was in hand I figured I’d apologize for making things worse and try to explain that I was trying to help and how, so that maybe they’d understand. Somehow I guess the apology comes off as accusation and despite the problem having been solved I somehow in my actions made things worse than perhaps they had ever been throughout.
So for some reason I suck at helping in this situation and I have no idea how to resolve the situation. It seems my only hope is to continue giving it time and perhaps ignore the whole thing altogether lest my clumsy attempts find some way to make things worse still. Every time I touch it I seem to cause more damage so despite the best of intentions I figure I should just leave the whole thing the hell alone and shut my trap.
It’s like in Imzadi, the test where a friend comes to you with a problem and every attempt to help or find a solution is the wrong answer – the correct answer turned out to be just listen to the problem, cite an example where you felt the same way, and just let the person know you’re there for them.
Now I’d like to think I learned from that but it’s hard to do that when the person is unconscious and then you have to go to work. I guess I fell into the practical solution trap but then the problem becomes how do you know when someone wants actual help?
I guess when they ask for it which in this case the person didn’t.
Guess I just stumbled over what I did wrong.
Well, I guess this has been a worthwhile exercise after all.
Adult human relationships are hard.
Well anyways to all the people involved: I’m sorry and I’m here for you.
As for citing an example where I felt similar I guess my nosebleed earlier in the year seemed like a bit of a perfect storm, I felt helpless and lacking the resources to solve the problem and I had to ask for help and I felt like poo.
Hopefully I’ll have more luck with the written word than I did with actions or talking.
