Hello Depression Response
Wow, it was really just a hypothetical question I was throwing out there; I didn’t expect such a strong response.
First I want to clarify that I’m not saying I’m depressed on the whole or that there aren’t things that I enjoy or make me happy. For example I had the chance to see Ironman over the long weekend which I appreciate – it was enjoyable and entertaining, I just don’t know if ‘fun’ is the right word to describe it. Perhaps we all have different definitions of the word. I was thinking in the Amusement Park, Water Park, Laser Tag, Travelling sense of the word, perhaps ‘exciting’ would have been a better fit. Although you can have negative exciting experiences also so that wouldn’t be a perfect descriptor either.
Also people seem to be interpreting this as being about going on vacation, which given recent posts I can see where you might get that idea but really it’s just a general sense of ennui. Yes, a vacation would probably fix me up nicely but a lack of vacation isn’t the sole cause. I guess I’ve been feeling a lack of control the last few weeks. My schedule has been almost completely dictated by others for the last few weeks, for both good and ill, and I guess I was just feeling a lack of control. Now if you’re having fun a lack of control doesn’t really matter but when both are somewhat absent, well, life sucks.
In response to my mom…
Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for the trips I’ve had, particularly last September.
I wouldn’t say I didn’t enjoy Niagara Falls, I thought the falls were pretty and the trip was fun overall, I just had a bad case of jet lag when we landed that made me moody and impatient, but don’t let that one thing colour your impression of the trip. It was a major factor in me going back to Toronto in 2003.
I’m not ruling out the possibility of taking the family along on any potential vacation, I’m just concerned that my son would be happier at home than being dragged somewhere by car or plane. If perhaps we were a larger group, with you or Louis and Megumi for example we could have the flexibility to keep him entertained more.
I don’t know that my son needs defending just because I’m feeling a little down, but I do take comfort in the fact that so many people care about him and have his best interests at heart.
To be clear I wasn’t posting about this as some sort of passive aggressive attempt to guilt or shame people into bending over backwards to send me on vacation, I was just talking about my feelings. Not that I don’t appreciate any offer or efforts towards that end, I just don’t want anyone feeling as though they HAVE to.
If you’re willing to look after him for 5 days or so that’s something we can talk about, nothing needs to be set in stone yet, I just don’t want you feeling as if it’s something you have to do. That goes for anyone else thinking along these lines.
I’m not mad or offended and believe me I think I understand the reality of the situation all too well. Just don’t confuse understanding with being happy about it; if I was ignorant of my responsibilities then I wouldn’t be feeling this way. Even if I were to go on vacation, say with Jon, I’d probably end up feeling incredibly guilty. Heck, I took a day trip to Seattle with Sam once and felt like crap almost the entire time because my family wanted to come along but couldn’t. That’s a big part of the problem, even if I blew off my responsibilities I’d be guilt ridden and that wouldn’t improve things. I’m no stranger to responsibility, but the prospect of going years without so much as a week off is somewhat daunting, to put it mildly.
Other people take vacations, what did I do to deserve exclusion? All I’ve done is be responsible and caring. Sure I could do more around the house, but who can’t? If I didn’t work hard, I’d understand. If I was bad at managing my money, I’d understand. But I do work hard and I manage my money well. I’m not extravagant; I tend to lead a minimalist existence. I don’t treat myself very often and even when I do like getting the Wii last year or a new PDA this year it’s benefitted my family as well – Mindi plays the Wii and got my old PDA. I don’t go out drinking, I come home every night straight from work and if I make a stop along the way it’s to get reasonably priced groceries for my family. At times I feel like I’ve flown more straight and narrow and been more responsible than most people but seem to be denied things those people get to enjoy. It just doesn’t seem fair. I’m not blaming anyone, I just don’t see the problem with talking about it and acknowledging it – it might make the whole acceptance thing a little easier.
And again, I am grateful for the vacations I’ve had: Orlando, Toronto, Europe, Las Vegas, Edmonton, and Anaheim. Maybe that’s the problem - I had such a crap-load of fun in Orlando, Las Vegas, and on road trips that I’m somewhat haunted by the experience and depressed by the thought that those days may be gone.
In response to Jon…
You officially pay more attention to my blog than I do. Not that I mind, but you broke this story long before I got wind of it.
I think that an occasional break from responsibilities makes one a better provider, in terms of patience, attitude, and sanity if nothing else.
I do envy your opportunities to travel; that said I have almost zero interest in Asia. Maybe when I’m older I’ll be more into it.
Oh I frequently underestimate my kid’s resilience, only now am I learning to just assume he’ll be fine more often like when he falls down or has a cold. Damned if WebMD and that Nurseline didn’t almost send us to the hospital again over a common cold not too long ago. WebMD was screaming to take him to the hospital ASAP as were books on the subject and certain articles on Wikipedia, we waited and took him to his doctor who said he was fine, just had a common cold, didn’t need any medicine or monitoring or tests or anything. He also told us to stay away from Wikipedia for medial matters; I think this officially makes me Barclay. I think a lot of these so-called expert sources are responsible for a lot of the paranoia prevalent in parents nowadays. Plus the media, one bad thing happens to one kid in incredibly rare circumstances and suddenly ‘Doctor’ Phil is saying “tune in for something EVERY PARENT MUST KNOW”. And in the end it turns out you apparently need to talk to your 4 year old about being a whore or how pillows are trying to rape your adult child.
I hate ‘Doctor’ Phil.
But I digress.
As for communicating, I don’t think my son quite grasps the concept of a phone just yet.
All that having been said if something here lights a fire under you to arrange a vacation for us, ignore whatever it is I’ve said that might calm you down. Remember what Troi said in ‘Decent’ (TNG), “feeling angry about an injustice could lead someone to take a positive action to correct it.”
I don’t know if I’d elevate dim vacation prospects to the level of injustice but if it gets you going who am I to argue?
