Help
Note: I delayed posting this for nearly a week, constantly revising it to cut out parts and try not to upset anyone and had almost completely deleted the entire thing but today made me think that maybe some of this needs to see the light of day. Particularly when my family is crying, my body is in agony, and there’s nothing I can do about any of it. This may make me a jerk but I figure that would be the least of my problems.
I found myself thinking the other night, “for the love of God someone please help us“. There are times when it feels like we’ve bitten off more than we can chew. I thought we were doing okay, we’d only had a few rough patches/days but recent events had me concerned for our futures.
It’s happening almost exactly as I foresaw, only worse. I knew the baby would be at his most needy when I had the least time to spare.
I’m being called home from work to help out when he gets to be too much. I’m shirking my responsibilities. I’m letting people down who depend on me, leaving them in tight spots that they don’t deserve. I’m exhausted. I’m being pulled in two directions at once and as a result handling neither situation very well. Frankly I hate myself for being such a disappointment to everyone.
I can’t believe how just over a week ago I was disappointed at not getting any new responsibilities at work.
I’m afraid for the safety and health of my son, both physical and mental.
The worst part is when we need help is when no reasonable person can provide it: overnight and business hours. My girlfriend says her mom can help with this when she returns from a trip though. But how can I expect anyone else to make that kind of sacrifice? It’s no one else’s problem but ours.
The other day I had to leave work half way through the day; canceling a class I was to teach, flaking out on meetings, and leaving my staff in the lurch. The resulting chaos caught the attention of a local celebrity I have never met who sent along his best wishes for me and my family. Nice guy but hell of a way for me to make a first impression on someone.
When I got home things seemed fine so I kept myself busy trying to help and clean so the folks I let down weren’t screwed in vain. I thought it might make a difference but at 2:30am I woke to more problems. My parenting skills were mocked as I was trying to lend a hand. I remember staring at my son in his crib thinking for the first time “how do I make this work and keep my job?“.
And of course I ended up sleeping in past my alarm the next morning.
Sometimes I feel really stupid for booking the Orlando trip, I should have asked mom to watch him for a week during fair rather than foolishly and selfishly attempting a vacation.
August 14th, 2007 at 10:57 pm
I certainly hope that this posting has a different lite on things now that you’ve had a weekend to veg-out!. It’s not meant to be easy being a parent, but it’s not meant to be that tough either. Priorities are a ‘tough call’ when you have other family members that need to be considered. So, you can’t help put a roof over babe’s head, if you don’t have the income to cover the high costs of housing, etc. So, your job is very important to you for income as well as your sanity, since you thrive on this employment area. I hope your weekend off was enough to help you re-group and relax your brain. I’m sure you missed your family while they were gone, and that they missed you as well, since you’ve been through thick & thin together. Patience & understanding are a very big drain when you just want your family to be happy. I will do whatever I can to help in those very difficult times, but I think the vacation is what the two of you will both need, and I am trying to be available for babe & mom, whenever times are difficult for them, so that it eases up on you through your busiest time of the year. Let me know what I can do.
August 15th, 2007 at 12:30 pm
I appreciate that. The weekend was nice and I did miss them but on the first day back things seemed for a bit there as hard as they had been before so I felt like little to no progress had been made. Maybe it was just bad timing but I do hugely appreciate your help!