Plea For Mercy
I had written one heck of a rant back when everyone was still driving me nuts over the baby thing but before I could post it, I have quite a backlog once again, people seemed to ease up. So I put the rant on a shelf but some folks seem to have misunderstood what I was annoyed about so I think perhaps I should post it anyways. This was much longer in it’s original form but I’ve cut out the parts no longer relevant, basically the part where I attempt to explain my position on the registry…remember this was written a few weeks ago…
You may not know me very well but I’m great at admitting my ignorance so don’t worry, I’ll gladly, happily, gleefully tell you when I don’t know something. Unsolicited information from the assumption that I couldn’t tell the difference between a baby and a vacuum cleaner at 5 meters distant does not make me feel good. Implying that I am a complete idiot, while fun, actually kinda hurts.
How many people in the last month have told me that a baby puts things in it’s mouth? Show of hands please. Did every single last one of you really think I wasn’t aware of that little tidbit? I swear the next person who points that out to me is going to get this in reply: “Really?! You see I thought they perform a litmus test to determine it’s acidity, spray it with Lysol, wrap it in a zip lock bag, throw it out the window and write a term paper on the experience! Thanks for clearing that up!”
I almost want someone to say it.
How about “this baby’s going to change your life you know“? I can’t think of a single person who HASN’T felt the uncontrollable urge to share this pearl of wisdom AT LEAST TWICE. I hate to break it to everyone but I figured that out on my own YEARS ago! I think CNN beat you to that scoop, Geraldo.
I’m sure everyone means well but I’m crying uncle over here - please listen!
Yes, I may have moved 3 days ago but I also work 3 jobs and occasionally sleep. Give me some freaking time to get my crap together before throwing tasks, which I have been explicitly told are not only not my responsibility but my assistance is not welcome on, at me.
The condescension, the expectations, the suggestions that do a great job of implying I can’t get through the day without eating my shirt…they’re beginning to make me physically ill so for the love of God knock it off.
Now I know why not running for the hills is an accomplishment.
I have an idea, let me crumble under the weight of my OWN expectations and demands, I WILL DO THAT WORK FOR YOU. Go back to whatever it is you enjoy doing, I’ll take care of the shoveling of expectations and treating me like an idiot. It’s a service I’m happy to provide. You already do so much, take a break and let me take over.
I’m trying to be polite to everyone so that I don’t completely loose it at any single person as individually you all aren’t that bad but collectively some of you are driving me towards some kind of breakdown…and I don’t breakdown pretty or quiet.
Baby on the way? Kind of exciting. Pregnant girlfriend? Manageable. Moving? Survivable. Everyone’s dumb-ass opinions about everything they think I don’t know or am doing wrong? Hello breaking point!
I swear the next person who grabs a shovel to heap on the pressure I’m going to beat to death with the shovel.
Someone told me they ran into the woods and got lost before their child was born. I may have to murder the next well-intentioned friend or relative who offers me advice - I really thought I had better coping skills.
The ironic thing is my sister is probably the one person who wouldn’t wax idiotic imparting platitudes, clichés, and common sense like they were directions to buried treasure. The problem being I can’t decide whether she’d view my offspring as a demon child or a crime against humanity, Darwin, or mother earth.
You know what I need? Some insensitive prick to hang out with. Jon’s gone soft on me. I need someone who could care less about the whole baby thing and just likes hanging out with me. For selfish reasons preferably.
