This Far, No Further
In preparation for tonight’s premiere of Day 6 of 24 I was planning where to order my pizza from when I solved a minor mystery. As stated in my post ‘Beware Light Cheese’, I had a concern that Pizza Hut had changed the cheese in their stuff crust.
Something to do with the water restrictions was my first theory. Crazy, I know, but perhaps contaminated water had gotten into the cheese or wherever this godsend was centrally created had to cut down on water consumption or find alternate sources.
Then, as the aforementioned post indicates, I thought perhaps they had switched to light cheese much like how Coke pretty much ruined C Plus by removing the sugar and replacing it with crap.
Neither theory proved to be correct for tonight as I was playing around online thinking about ordering regular crust pizza I noticed a small change to their website. Stuffed crust was no longer described as “stuffed with mozzarella” but rather as “filled with processed cheese“. The bastards had finally come clean and admitted their dastardly crime.
I tried to take it in stride. Things change, people die, life carries on. When I was a kid they stopped making die-cast Transformers and began making them out of plastic, this wasn’t all that different really. Or like when they stopped making stuffed crazy bread at Little Caesars. Or Pepsi Blue. It sucks but what can ya do? So I went to look at their online coupons only to discover they had all been removed.
The line has to be drawn here.
I found the feedback section of the website and sent this off…
“I have been ordering stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut on a regular basis since at least 1995 and I have to say I am enormously disappointed with the recent decision to go from regular mozzarella cheese in the crust to processed cheese which I believe occurred around November of last year. This new processed cheese is simply inedible, even the plastic-like smell is offensive. I have tried on two separate occasions to stomach the new processed stuffed crust pizza and have nearly been ill as a result both times.
After well over a decade of ordering what was once a great and unique product it is with profound regret that I am forced to take my business elsewhere, as the prices you charge for regular pizza are simply not justified. Assuming you keep track of past orders you can easily verify the regularity and frequency of my online orders over the last few years and phone orders in the preceding years so I hope someone within your organization realizes the kind of customer you are losing. Having worked in the service industry myself I know that only a small percentage (around 4%) of dissatisfied customers actually make their concerns known so I sincerely hope these comments are forwarded to decision-makers with the appropriate weight it represents. If at some point the decision is made to go back to the old recipe I would gladly return. If and when such a change occurs I would welcome being contacted to inform me that one of my favorite foods is once again available. I realize it’s just a cheese in a single product and as a result my comments may seem overly serious however I think we are both aware that, assuming others feel and act as I do, this represents a serious threat to your bottom line over what I can only assume was a cost-cutting measure. Unfortunately whatever small margin of expense changing from real to processed cheese has saved your organization I suspect it is going to be far outweighed by the lost of loyal customers such as myself in the long run.
Thank you for your time.”
May 31st 1995 was a day I had been awaiting for quite some time. I was 14. I had been saving up money for this day for over a month. For it was on this day that Star Trek: The Next Generation - A Final Unity was to be released. I had it all planned out. I went to the mall and purchased the game for $75 from EB and came straight home. As it was installing I ordered 2 large stuffed crust Hawaiian pizzas from Pizza Hut, with extra cheese.
My mom was confused, for one thing I hadn’t really told her about my plans, but more than that we always planned any pizza ordering together. It would generally be a negotiation, I’d ask for everything but settle for less. But this time was different because I was paying for it and it was just for me, although I was perfectly willing to share. It was one of a thousand little steps we all take on the path from childhood to becoming an adult. I ordered the pizza I wanted and I was going to pay for it. I was going to eat it as I spent the weekend playing the game I had bought. It was at that point the ultimate expression of independent freedom. I knew what I wanted, I devised the means to make it happen, I wasn’t going to inform anyone in advance or ask for permission, and nothing was going to stop me.
The pizza arrived, I paid, and sat down with my new game, a cold Pepsi, and my pizza and played what many still regard to this day as the best Star Trek game ever released. Although ironically enough I disagree.
It wasn’t perfect. I seriously doubt my pizza had extra cheese. One level really drove me nuts as I looked for this doctor on some planet. I beat the game in less than 24 hours. But despite those small glitches, I has in nerd heaven.
And every time I’ve ordered stuffed crust pizza I think back to that day. And now it seems that I may not be able to relive that particular moment any longer.
A damned shame.
Although, returning to my task of planning a perfect evening for the launch of the new season of 24 I take small comfort in the fact that despite everything that’s happened to me and the world in the intervening years, there are some things about me that remain the same. I’m still going to order my pizza, I’m still going to have a cold Pepsi, and it’s still going to be great.
