Grazing Rites

Sadly most of what follows is the unedited truth…

Recently I have encountered a disproportionate number of people at work who not only dropped the ball, but couldn’t find it with 2 hands and a flashlight.

Background: My department oversees issuing ID cards for the entire company. We are supposed to be sent lists of approved staff in advance so that only authorized persons receive the appropriate ID. In order to preserve the secrecy of our procedures some terms and processes have been altered, renamed, or obscured to prevent abuse.

There were these two people who kept saying they were Ticker Sellers with the Ticket Office. After 20 minutes checking files, lists, e-mails, and harassing a half dozen people by phone I finally find out they were Data Entry Clerks. I had specifically asked them “so you sell tickets to get in?” and they said yes. Turns out they don’t sell anything, they don’t handle cash, they never even see a single ticket of any kind. They do data entry.
Me: How do you think NOT SELLING TICKETS makes you a Ticket Seller? How does Data Entry equate to the Ticket Office?
Clerk: Oh, well we work in an office.
Me: How does it make you a Ticket Seller when you do data entry?
Clerk: Well, other people in the department sell tickets.

This one department who hadn’t sent us a list, after calling a couple dozen times (every time one of their staff came by) they wanted to know why we kept calling…
MGR: Aren’t they on your list?
Me: What list? We never received a list.
MGR: We made a list, you don’t have it?
Me: Did you send it?
MGR: No.
Me: We can’t have it unless you send it.
MGR: I’ll send it after we send the people over.
Me: But we need that list to give out the IDs. We need it BEFORE you send us people.
MGR: Okay, well most of our people will be coming by today, I’ll send you the list at the end of the day. Bye. *click*

Or this one department who kept calling about a new hire. After FOUR phone calls to check that he hadn’t picked up his ID I discover he was next in the lineup the whole time. I call the department back and they say…
MGR: Well what’s taking so long? He’s 15 minutes late for his training.
Me: Well you see he was next in line but you kept me on the phone for the last 20 minutes asking about him.

Another similar conversation when a manager calls me up angrily demanding to know why my staff keep pestering them with phone calls to check on staff…
MGR: But I thought they were in the system.
Me: What system?
MGR: Your system.
Me: We don’t have a system. But let’s say we did, how would they get into this system?
MGR: I don’t know.
Me: Our system is you send us lists, we use those lists to give out IDs.
MGR: Oh?
Me: That’s what I said at orientation, that’s what was in your manager’s booklets.
MGR: Oh, that’s why you said that.
Me: Why did you THINK I said that?
MGR: I just figured it was a backup in case your system went down.
Me: What did you do last year?
MGR: I don’t remember.

One individual had told us she didn’t have a phone but when one of her subordinates needed an ID he provided us with a number which we had called several times to confirm staff as she hadn’t sent us their names. The most recent call went thusly…
Me: Can I get a list of names for everyone working for you? I know I’ve asked several times already but this would allow us to stop having to call you all the time or turn your employees away which I really don’t want to do.
MGR: Why would you need their names?
Me: To know that they work here, what department they work for, their job title and status. Otherwise anyone could walk in off the street and get an ID.
MGR: What do you mean?
Me: Well for example a new hire could tell us they’re a supervisor or manager when they’re not…or a criminal could say he needs access and then rob us.
MGR: So what do you need?
Me: A list of names would be a great start.
MGR: How do I do that?
Me: Well an e-mail would work.
MGR: I don’t have e-mail.
Me: You could call us.
MGR: I don’t have a phone.
Me: But I just called you. We’re talking on the phone right now. You could give me the names right now over the phone and I could write them down, I have a pen and a piece of paper and everything.
MGR: Can I just come down?
Me: Sure, will you come down with all your employees?
MGR: No, I can’t do that.
Me: Could you come down and write the names of all your employees on a piece of paper for us?
MGR: Maybe.
Me: You could use an Identification Department form.
MGR: What’s that?
Me: A form you can fill out and give to your employees to get their ID.
MGR: Oh. And what’s the Identification Department?
Me: Uh, the ID office.
MGR: Oh.
Me: Didn’t they mention any of this at orientation?
MGR: I didn’t have an orientation.
Me: Come down, ask for me. I’ll show you the form, you can give me a list, we’ll find some way to work this out.
MGR: Okay, I’ll be there in 20 minutes.
2 hours later I get a list by e-mail.

And another department…
Me: Can I get a list of everyone working this year?
MGR: But it isn’t done yet.
Me: But your staff are here now.
MGR: I’ll send it along when it’s done.
Me: An incomplete list will be fine for now. We can update it later.
MGR: Okay I’ll send it later.
Me: But they’re here now- *click*
I called back and got a Supervisor who sent me the list.

Do you think I should share these amusing anecdotes with my boss?

This entry was posted on August 12, 2006 at 12:51 am and is filed under Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.