Grazing Rites

I received an e-mail today from the NDP asking for me to have my “voice heard” by signing a petition to withdraw our troops from Afghanistan and “support our troops” by making a donation to the NDP. I read a rather lengthy statement by Jack Leyton and then sent in this reply…

Unfortunately I cannot support your stance on this issue. I think more effort needs to be spent identifying the source of the insurgence such as the involvement of other nations such as Pakistan and Iran in giving tacit (or open) support to these groups. You suggest Afghanistan is Iraq but it clearly is not, our reasons for being there are completely different and limiting ourselves to a reconstruction role is ignoring the reality of the situation. What good is it to build a school if it is to be bombed the next day and our engineers killed in the process of trying to build it? I support our troops, my brother and friend are in the armed forces in point of fact, but I also support what they are trying to do and if that puts them in harm’s way that’s unfortunate but I believe they do so willingly in this case because they believe their cause is just and I support that. You have not provided sufficient evidence or cause to change my mind on that count.

You say the Conservatives equate questions with being unpatriotic (Harper certainly doesn’t like questions!) and concern expressed over lost lives a threat to our troops. Frankly I don’t have time to investigate these claims but if true they are disconcerting however I find claiming a donation to the NDP is a show of support to our troops is almost as disingenuous. It’s as if you are using the tactics of your enemy to decry the tactics of your enemy, the irony is palpable.

Your approach to this problem seems to be too one-dimensional and frankly makes me wonder if it is a stance created largely to cast the Conservatives in a bad light rather than actually address the situation logically. The Conservatives are doing a fine job casting themselves in a bad light over David Emerson, reversing the Liberal income tax breaks, and avoiding the media. If you want to fight the Conservatives, fight them on those fronts. If you want to defeat terrorism look at the root causes, not the death toll. In the mean time I intend to let my membership in the party lapse, assuming it hasn’t already, until such time as I find myself in more agreement with your approach. Were an election called today my first step would be to investigate the Green Party for my possible support. You say you want Canadian voices heard, this is mine. In the past you’ve done an excellent job standing up for Canadians but right now I don’t feel as if you are standing up FOR me but rather standing up TO the Conservatives for the sake of eroding their support in a Machiavellian attempt to bolster your own. I say give them enough rope to hang themselves with and hold their feet to the fire on more clear-cut issues such as David Emerson. That’s the key to regaining my support.

You need to address the things they do that are bad, not assume what they do is bad because they’re Conservatives. I mean, it’s conceivable that even George Bush might do something right on occasion - unlikely, but possible. You need to address the issue and their ideas based on their merit, not their source. The NDP has made it’s greatest strides in bipartisan efforts, I think you’ll get more done and build more of a Canadian consensus if you get back to those roots.

And oust David Emerson.

I only have one name for the On Notice board this month, Mindi, and given that I now have my allegedly year-round work cell the continued existence of this board at all is a bit of a surprise.

Mindi debuted on the Dead To Me board last month at #13 of 26 which is even more of an accomplishment given I’ve moved 2 people on to the Never Existed To Me board. This month she leapfrogs William and Mike to climb to #11. This is only Mindi’s second, yet consecutive, month on the On Notice board as well.

Here is the Dead To Me Board as it currently is:

Burton
Mom
Elections
Sears
Pam
Jon
Sis
Mindi
William

Glossary Of Terms
On Notice refers to people who have caused overages on my cell phone bill in the current month. Like Papa Bear, Stephen Colbert, to be removed from the board you must either appear on the blog within 30 days or perform another suitable act of contrition.

Dead To Me is the ongoing list of who has caused the highest dollar value of overages overall. The only way to change your status on this board is to either cause more overages and move up or wait for others to overtake you.

Never Existed To Me refers to people formerly of the Dead To Me list that have been removed because I do not expect to ever hear from them again and if they were to call I wouldn’t answer anyways so it is pointless to continue tracking. The only 2 people on this list are a former manager who only ever calls for free passes and a former employee who only calls for references he doesn’t deserve.

“My,” said Meta. “What an egocentric being you are. What is your name, egocentric being?” -’The Seige’ by Peter David

I figure I must seem like quite the ego maniac in several of my entries. I’d like to think I’m not as full of myself as I may seem here but I figure if I was wishy-washy it wouldn’t make for good reading. So trust me, for every self confident statement there’s probably a healthy dose of neurotic self doubt waiting in the wings.

So the other day I’m taking the express bus to work for the first time this year, again tapping another blog entry into my PDA, when someone sits next to me. He has several bags of produce with him and elbows me several times as he gets settled. He apologizes and I say “no worries“.

Apparently ‘no worries’ now equates to ‘tell me your whole life story’ or at least ‘what are you up to?’. He tells me he’s on his way to get his job back. I was tempted to ask how the produce would play a role in that but wisely thought better of it.

So I let the comment hang there and go back to writing for you good people. Then he turns to me and says “can I ask you a question?“. The bus we’re on only goes to my work and I think back to my earlier post ‘Lyndon: The Next Generation’ and figure this older, weirder, much more feminine fellow deserves the same response the nervous 15 year old got.

Now unlike last time I was NOT in uniform however I assumed he inferred I worked there by my attire and accessories (shoulder bag & PDA). So I put my PDA away and told him to fire away.

Big mistake.

“I work at the casino and I only got 4 hours training. So I told my boss ‘I’m not comfortable working with so little training’ and my <expletive deleted> supervisor said…” at this point he starts SCREAMING in one of the shrillest voices I’ve ever heard “I don’t appreciate insubordination! I’m going to talk to the manager about getting you fired!”

Then he just stares at me…as the rest of the bus stares at him.

“So what was the question?” I ask.

“What?” he says.

“You said you wanted to ask me a question” I replied.

“Oh. Well do you think I was out of line?” he finally asks.

“Well, if it went down the way you say then no, but that doesn’t make any sense to me” he asks me where I work and I reluctantly tell him and he’s surprised but then reiterates that he’s going to try and get his job back.

“Good luck with that” I say as I go back to my blog.

Several minutes later he turns to me and says “I have AVD so I don’t do well when it’s busy. Now let me do my own thing at my own pace and I’m fine”

I was tempted to ask why he applied to work at a casino if he dislikes crowds and busy times. I also felt inclined to tell him very few employers would be interested in someone who can’t handle being efficient or productive. I was further contemplating suggesting he not bring bags of produce to a meeting with his boss.

In the end I made the first right choice since getting on the bus: I looked at him like the crazy person he was and waited for the pain to end.

He didn’t have anything else to say the whole way there and left without comment.

Later I wikipedia’d AVD, it isn’t anything. Perhaps he meant ADD and was too distracted to get it right.

I recently chatted online with my most recent ex, currently abroad. During the course of conversation 2 things of note came up.

One, when she listed the things she misses about home, I was not among their number.

Two, she got a new phone number and even during the course of the conversation did not share it with me.

I can take a hint.

Besides that, matters in other areas are moving along in such a way as to make the subject moot.

Several supervisors from my old department have come forward with interesting observations.

“There’s so much that’s wrong right now that you never would have let happen”

“Oh my god, the department’s going to hell”

“I never realized how much you did until you were gone”

“I’ve given my 2 weeks”

These comments are both flattering and troubling.

They seem to have dropped the ball in some areas but I think the real problem is that they let the fun go. The spirit seems to have waned. Now I should mention I wasn’t the one who built this empire, but I did maintain and defend it.

Naturally I never wanted the department to suffer, they’re like my family. In point of fact some of them are more like family than my actual family. In fact just recently when faced with a challenging personal situation Calvin, a supervisor in the aforementioned department, was the first person I felt comfortable talking to about it.

Now parallel to this 3 of my staff are moving on. Ostensibly because they have other opportunities/commitments and despite the numbers and timing of it I see no real reason not to take them at their word.

Dare I wonder if my new family could adopt some refugees from my old?

I only semi-recently took over a department I had never worked in before. As such I was hesitant to change things without a deeper understanding. One thing I didn’t touch were the hours of operation. I followed the example set last year to the letter. So when it comes to operational hours there has been no change since last year.

I send out an e-mail to the entire company advising them of our hours weeks in advance. I post the hours in the office and on the door. I include our hours of operation in our voice mail greeting.

So why is it that scores of people are banging down my door 3 hours after we close on a semi-regular basis?

They bang on the door that has the hours written on it. When no one answers they yell at the door.

Apparently a few days ago someone was kicking the door minutes before we were to open. Why did he do this?
According to his watch we were 20 seconds late in opening. Even if he had been correct, which he wasn’t, how would that have justified causing physical damage to the building?

It seems to me to be a phenomenon that defies comprehension like missing time syndrome, crop circles, and Stonehenge.

Think I could sell tickets?

When she left I was in a very different place than I am now. I knew I should see her again, she had borrowed something of mine she had yet to return after all, but somehow I never really thought I would. Then, in the middle of what was supposed to be the most difficult day of my year, there she was.

I didn’t know how I felt, it would just complicate things and raise questions to which there were no good answers so I tried to distance myself. I stayed busy, which I was, but I still acknowledged her presence so seeing her again could not be allowed to have any apparent outward significance.

I honestly thought it might just work.

Then she hugged me.

I touched her arm.

…and it felt great.

Suddenly all the stress drained from my body and evaporated before me. Suddenly there was nothing in the universe except for her. We went back to my cubicle and chatted. I heard sounds that made me think it was busy and that I may be needed but I didn’t care. I was committed to making time to talk to her. We talked about everything and nothing, the deeply personal and the incredibly mundane.

After she left I felt completely at peace, as though nothing the world could throw at me would be too much, or even matter. Somehow I was detached and yet still enjoying every moment and then I realized I was actually IN the moment. My mind had stopped reviewing the past, worrying about the present, or planning for the future. I was at peace and supremely confident.

One of my staff, who is often too perceptive for his own good, even commented on how she said good bye to me, potentially opening a myriad Pandora’s box of new things to worry about but I didn’t care.

It wasn’t a romantic encounter but there was definitely a romantic quality to it, something along the lines of a Nora Ephron flick. She’s living with someone and I’m totally into someone myself so nothing will ever come of it. It wouldn’t work anyways, despite how well we get along there are serious incompatibilities so it’s not like that’s even a thought really.

I guess it’s nothing more than what someone once said, we’re just really close.

Well, I have a background in operations, have field experience, and get results. When it hits the fan, I’m the guy you call. I do what it takes to get the job done and if that means breaking the rules, then so be it. I think that makes people uncomfortable.

In planning sessions I tell it like it is, think outside the box, and openly suggest going off book to get things done. I think administrators don’t know what to make of that. Is it insubordination? Does he not respect the rules? Is he going to save us lots of money?

The ironic thing is I’ve actually memorized the rules so I’m also the guy you call to site chapter and verse.

I’m also like Jack in my ability to focus on the job to the exclusion of all else. To some people that kind of prioritizing is unthinkable, essentially being completely selfless for a time. The only time for yourself is eating, sleeping, and laundry if you’re lucky.

The fact is the world needs people like Jack, people to handle the unusual circumstances, people who make something other than themselves their top priority. Thankfully for me I don’t have to sacrifice quite so much for quite so long and my family and friends have more or less adjusted to it.

The clock is starting to tick down on this particular day, if this were a season of 24 the main threat would have been eliminated and now we would just have to tie up loose ends and deal with any surprises.

At least until April when that clock starts up again…

It must have been about 2 years ago that Lyndon, one of my more long-lived former employees in my old department, revealed to me just how he came to work for me…

As the story goes it was my first year working for the company I’m with now and I was headed to the bus. Apparently I had a huge smile on my face, which makes sense. He was working in Patrol at the time and commented on how happy I appeared to be. It seems I stopped and told him that I was in a good mood because I really enjoyed my job and I went on about how great it was.

Well it seems the encounter stuck with him. Back then you had to work 2 years before you can request a transfer, since it was his first year he waited one more year and then transferred into my department. Our brief chat was still memorable enough to motivate him to change departments 2 years later. He’s still there 8 years later and still enjoying it.

When he told me this tale it definitely struck a chord, the story sounded familiar but what got my attention was how such a brief encounter that I had almost completely forgotten could have such a profound and positive impact on someone else.

Too bad I didn’t have a blog back then.

So a couple days ago I’m on the bus coming home from work, in uniform and tapping out another blog entry into my PDA, when this kid sits down next to me and very nervously asks me if he could ask me some questions. Turns out he had just completed his training for Patrol and, like any good 15 year old about to start his first job, is full of questions.

I set my blog aside and happily tell him to fire away. As the conversation progresses he mentions that he wants to work a longer season. Unfortunately Patrol doesn’t have longer work term positions so I tell him all about the transfer procedures and also mention that I will likely be hiring soon as well.

Now the chat was nothing to me, just passing some time on the bus ride home but as someone once said “It would be interesting Captain, to return to that world in 100 years and learn what crop had sprung from the seed you planted today“.

I can hope that, even if none of the information or advice I gave him turns out to be useful, that a manager on a bus willing to stop what he was doing to happily answer some questions made some kind of positive impression about the company or even the working world in general.

I’ve ushered literally hundreds, if not thousands, of young kids into their first job and the work force. If there’s one message I hope they get from the encounter it’s that work can be fun. It doesn’t have to be drudgery-filled. You don’t have to settle for a job you hate. You don’t need to sacrifice nearly a third of your life on the alter of capitalism. Quality of life is measured in more than dollars.

And if they’re able to retain a second lesson I would like that to be that a sense of humour is an important asset in the business world, not a liability.

I’m not a religious man, I’m not out to save souls in the traditional sense. But when I think of the unhappy masses stuck in dead end jobs simply accepting their lot in life because ‘conventional wisdom’ tells them everyone else does, that’s the way life is, and there’s nothing they can do about it it makes me very sad. I mean it, the thought almost brings me to tears.

I may like to think of myself as an effective and successful businessman but in my heart is an inner Marxist who wants them to be free. But I am also a pragmatist and we need to enjoy the lives we’re given.

‘Conventional Wisdom’ seems to tell us the only way to improve our lot in life is to get a better paying job either by going back to school, working yourself into the ground, or sucking up to the boss.

Granted school and sucking up can be effective if done properly and I’m the last one who should talk on the subject of working too hard but let me ask this: if you hate your job and the company you work for, will a promotion make you happy or just slightly less miserable with more responsibility and a bit more money?

Happiness isn’t about how high on the ladder you climb but knowing you’re on the right ladder.

Recently someone made the observation that “your belly’s back! I can see it!”

What the heck do you say to that?

What’s more what do you say to that when the last time you weighed yourself you were only 9 pounds above being underweight?

I mean, isn’t that like Peter telling Lois: “You’re getting a little fat“? If I recall he got hit with a rolled-up newspaper by Brian for that.

Okay, maybe it’s not quite like that.

I know I’m not in the greatest shape (round is a shape!) I’ve ever been in but I’ve also been in worse and I think given the hours I’m putting in at work I’m doing pretty good. I mean, I’m practically religious about having lunch at subway every day I work. I’m probably only weeks away from being called ‘Jarred’. As it is as I walk to lunch and someone sees me they often shout “subway!” at me.

-Your coworkers are all ‘playing dead’

-Your new boss is in to bondage

-People keep asking who you’re working for

-You never spend more than 2 minutes eating or sleeping

-Something surprises you at the top of each hour

-Everyone seems to have the latest cell phone and PDA technology but still listens to walkmans

-You hear the phrase “we don’t have time for this” within 5 minutes of “we’re running out of time”

-You receive at least one cell phone call each hour

-Everyone around you is driving a Ford

-The terms ‘protocol’ and ‘division’ suddenly begin to appear in casual conversation without comment

We did it. We have achieved fair. It wasn’t perfect, we completely ran out of 1 type of shirt in all sizes and 1 type of apron. We ran out of select sizes of 2 types of shirt and 2 types of jackets but in the end we made it work. We issued a few folks the wrong stuff and had some miscommunication but we survived. One issue went almost to the top but that was largely due to the overreaction of superiors and mistakes of predecessors.

In the end probably fewer than 50 people were negatively effected. Out of a staff of thousands, that ain’t bad. Last year hundreds were put out, most in a significant, noteworthy, and expensive way. And I think I’m still under budget.

There are plenty of things I could have done better and I look forward to improving things next year but for now I hope I’m not premature in enjoying some of the comments I received today…

“In 5 years of doing business with your predecessors it has never gone this smoothly” -Business Partner

“You forecasted your needs almost perfectly, better than I would have thought possible” -Supplier

“You’re very professional” -Senior Manager

“I think on the whole it went very well” -Direct Superior

And one comment from last weekend…

“Everything will be better than fine. You’re a great manager with tons of experience and you have nothing to worry about. What’s more important is you’re a good man, have faith in that”

Now I am going to order an enormous pizza and gorge myself in victory, for tomorrow the fun starts.

I predict I will sleep like a baby tonight.

My boss mentioned months ago that we should be self-aware of how we deal with stress. I figured after the things I’ve been through nothing they could throw at me would phase me and until the last couple weeks nothing had.

Accusations of slave labour, sexual innuendo from a woman twice my age, and a disreputable company’s threats of sending a collection agency after us all seemed pretty tame and more a source of amusement rather than stress. Then as this month began I found myself stressing. Not to the levels I encountered regularly in my old job but it was enough to make me behave less than professionally a couple of times.

Why did I lose my cool? I’ve been through worse without huffing and puffing about it. After some introspection I think I figured it out. In the past I was part of a united front solving problems that needed solving. What was bothering me so much was that many of the problems were the result of the people who should have been helping. Stupid mistakes, laziness, and inexperience mostly and generally by people with equal or greater authority than my own.

Now I’m not trying to shirk my responsibility, I’ll admit I could have done more and made my team work harder but I frankly didn’t accurately predict the level of incompetence I encountered from those who, while not directly above me in the chain of command, have a higher rank and more years of experience than myself.

To use an analogy it’s like an army general being put in charge of a volunteer community police force in a riot - varying levels of experience, training, aptitude and commitment having to deal with your own people in a less than rational state without clear authority or well-established procedures.

Fun times.

But I already see my team rising to the challenge and we’ll be stronger and wiser for having been through it such that next year will be MUCH smoother. Now if I can just get the people we have to deal with in line…

I’d been working on a post for a couple of days now. It was almost done and ready to be shared with the world. I was going to dedicate the entry to my ex who I hadn’t heard from in nearly a month. I was going to extol all her virtues that may have been ignored because in previous posts I was focusing on all her out-of-character behaviour.

Then I get home and check my e-mail before uploading and what do I discover? An e-mail waiting for me. See I figured she had completely written me off and as a result messaging her directly would have been unwelcome, I can take a hint after all. I figured a final post about her, a swan song to send her on her way and close that chapter would’ve been a classy way to let it go.

Yea, turns out she’s been sick.

Guess I’ll put that post in mothballs along with my CIA Mind Control and Dear Abby posts that have been on the back burner for awhile.

Happy Birthday anyways.

So the other day I’m at work and someone who looks EXACTLY like a crazy, if not the craziest, ex of mine walks in. Now years of improv experience has made me pretty good at dealing with the unexpected and not showing a reaction so I doubt anyone noticed my momentary panic which is probably for the best.

In that moment of panic I had absolutely no idea how to handle the situation, it was just too unexpected - she wasn’t even supposed to be in this time zone. My second thought was “How did she get a job?“.

Then I realized it wasn’t her and relaxed. The incident however stuck with me. Something didn’t feel right. So a bout of insomnia and discovery of a wireless network in my apartment later gave me the idea to check up on the ex. For once her insatiable need for online attention came in handy as I found a message forum mislabeled as a blog within minutes. Quickly jumping to the last page I discovered she was in fact in the city. Whether she is just visiting or back to stay I may have to face this scenario in reality sooner than I thought.

I was standing in line at the Subway the other day when I heard someone ask for 3 things I had never heard asked for in a Subway before: Mushrooms, Green Onions, and Ketchup. Poor fellow was in for a disappointment, they didn’t have all three. Now I’m very pleased at them not having the first two and was somewhat surprised at the third. The fellow ordering though was quite surprised at the revelation - in fact he looked as if he wanted to flee the scene.

That day, however, was not today. Today when I finally snuck away for lunch I discovered a massive line-up at the Subway. Already on borrowed time, I had already been called once since stepping out less than 5 minutes prior, I decided to go to my reluctant backup, BK. There was no line and my food came quickly, depressing music was playing a little too loudly as I ate and the place filled with no one under 50. Mostly men sitting by themselves reading a paper or an old couple taking 5 minutes to figure out where they wanted to sit.

I opened my burger and it tasted like McDonald’s. My turnover burnt the side of my mouth when it burst open. The pop was near flat.

They say change is good, and I was almost looking forward to having something different for lunch but you know what? Change can take it in the ear. If I want something different I can wait for my Boardroom, Country Kitchen, Hunky Bills, Rib-B-Q, etc.

I just pray that I’m on the list again this year. They’ve already broken the news that I’m not to have a radio and I’m only working what seems like 40 hour weeks at a cursory glance. Despite how busy and needed I am these days it makes me feel less important somehow. Not in that ego sense but rather like I’m not going to be contributing my fair share or something.

Weird.

I’m sure it’ll pass.

Once I get my free food that is.

In my opinion the constant news coverage regarding the recent arrests and foiling of a plot to destroy airplanes in the UK keep missing the point.

The point, at least to me, is that the UK kicks domestic terrorist ass like no other. Efforts in the states seem to be self-defeating but the UK are yielding positive preventative results. That’s the story I’d focus on - while Bush SAYS Americans are safer, Scotland Yard is actually making it’s citizens safer and not using fear on it’s own people to manipulate them. Fear being the weapon of choice for terrorists, it’s where the name comes from after all - it’s what they do. The Brits are smart in their efforts to prevent further attacks and should be respected. They’re famous not just for effectiveness but for not needing to become like their enemies in order to overcome them.

Frankly I think the response to the underground bombings was perfect. No fear, no life changing effects, no noticeable drop in travel, and several arrests. Ever since those bombings I’ve wanted to go back to London and ride the tube with my stiff-upper-lip brethren just to give a big ‘F You’ to the terrorists.

But enough about what the story SHOULD be, what about the agenda the mainstream media is setting, namely new travel restrictions. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great that they’re getting the word out but I had to watch SEVERAL news broadcasts just to find out about the arrests. I had to wade through endless discussion of travel restrictions with virtually no information about the incident that caused it.

Can you imagine if on September 12th all they reported on was travel restrictions?

Let’s take a closer look at these restrictions, shall we? For some reason the media, even the usually balanced CBC, keeps looking at these like the ACLU looks at the Patriot Act. Before we get into specifics let’s be clear about one thing: these are restrictions on a private service for which there are alternatives. Air travel and the conditions therein are SERVICES you pay for, NOT RIGHTS.

Let us further refine our discussion by pointing out that these restrictions only apply to carry-on luggage. They’re not saying you can’t take these things with you, you just can’t take them into the passenger compartment.

So the phrase of the week is “liquids and gels“. Let’s take half of that off the table right now: gels. Do you really anticipate having a styling emergency at 30,000 feet? Alright, there are gels other than hair products however these would be to treat medical conditions and prescriptions are exempt from this restriction so long as the name on the container matches your passport. So hopefully we can all agree that gel is a non-starter? I don’t care if you’re on Queer Eye, no hair problem is worth even the slightest risk of depressurizing the cabin.

On to the second half, liquids.

What liquids might you feel the need to have with you during your flight? Again discounting the medical prescriptions all I could think of was beverages. Most flights offer beverages free of charge so I don’t see this need as significant. Heck I would have absolutely zero problem if they didn’t allow beverages BEFORE Sept. 11th AND made you pay for the ones they supplied. Frankly I would’ve expected it. I mean, if you can’t bring a Big Gulp into a movie theatre why is it suddenly an affront to our civil rights not to allow them on planes? Many planes show movies, can’t they be afforded the same right to price gouge a captive audience? It’s private enterprise after all. I’m not saying these business practices are ideal from a customer service standpoint but why have a double standard for air travel versus the fair? At the risk of causing my readership to groan, it doesn’t seem fair.

The CBC website was kind enough to provide me with a list of other liquids (or semi-liquids) that have been recently banned…

Shampoo.
Again, if you desperately need shampoo mid-flight, you really shouldn’t be flying. Or traveling at all I daresay as it’s hard to get a good lather on a bus. In fact, you should probably do everyone a favour and stop breathing all together. That may sound harsh but seriously, if this category covers you, you’re not likely to survive long in this world anyways, why not go out on your own terms and make it less tragic?

Suntan Lotion.
If you have a window seat put the lotion on your arm and maybe the half of your face that might be within range of the window BEFORE checking in. If this solution is too complicated, the window has a shutter. I’m sure the nearest steward, handicapped person, or 7 year old child can illustrate it’s use.

Creams.
Again, if it’s medical it’s allowed, if it’s non-medical and not having it bothers you I suggest you’re too sensitive for the vulgarities of air travel such as pressure changes and in-flight movies.

Toothpaste.
Before going to Europe my mother and brother-in-law cautioned me to wrap my toothpaste in a zip-lock bag as pressure changes can cause them to explode. I thought this silly but didn’t take any chances. Sure enough nothing happened that trip but on my return trip from Edmonton a few months back it happened. Thus, your toothpaste is a danger to both yourself and others. If you’ve got the OCD about brushing after every meal, skip the meal fatty. Or better yet bring an apple, I don’t think they’ve been banned yet unless you’re traveling to California by car.

In conclusion, can we PLEASE stop acting like the sky is falling and big brother is out to steal our children’s right to free speech every time some common sense is applied to air travel security? The fact is with the exception of something to drink you shouldn’t have had these items in your carry-on in the first place. If you don’t need it in flight, don’t put it in your carry-on. If nothing else it’s out of courtesy and respect for other passengers that you’re not hefting something just under the weight limit right about their heads into a tiny compartment that can open during turbulence and taking up space that might be needed for something that’s actually needed.

No, the only part of this story that had me in any way concerned is the occasional mentioning of the possibility of banning all electronic devices. To me this would be getting close to the line, if not crossing it. Taking a 16 hours flight with no PDA, Discman, mp3 player, DVD player, etc? Why, you’d have flights going down over the Atlantic simply as a result of the ensuing cabin fever. But don’t worry, I’m sure Big Electronics won’t let that happen. I mean seriously, if the restriction was put in place would anyone ever buy a portable DVD player ever again?

Which actually brings us to one part of the story I’ve left out, the impact on the duty free shops. Frankly I could care less as I’ve never personally shopped at one of these places but a little ingenuity will fix this one right up. In fact, the solution isn’t even a new idea. I was coming back from the states one day with a friend who wanted to pick up some alcohol at the duty-free store. He stopped just before the border, browsed the store, made his selection, paid for it, and left it behind. When he returned to the car with just a receipt I was confused. Upon crossing the border he picked up his goods at a drive-up window. So, the duty free shops could take down your name, passport number, flight, and final destination and either have it ready at their outlet on the other end or wrap it up and send it to be stored with the other luggage and perhaps you could claim it at customs on the other end. Or move the store to a point before the security checkpoint so you can buy it before checking in and then put it in your stored luggage. These are just a few simple solutions.

I plan on taking a trip in November, partially by plane and this news does not make me think twice, it actually makes me feel safer. Widespread application of common sense often has that effect on me.

Sadly most of what follows is the unedited truth…

Recently I have encountered a disproportionate number of people at work who not only dropped the ball, but couldn’t find it with 2 hands and a flashlight.

Background: My department oversees issuing ID cards for the entire company. We are supposed to be sent lists of approved staff in advance so that only authorized persons receive the appropriate ID. In order to preserve the secrecy of our procedures some terms and processes have been altered, renamed, or obscured to prevent abuse.

There were these two people who kept saying they were Ticker Sellers with the Ticket Office. After 20 minutes checking files, lists, e-mails, and harassing a half dozen people by phone I finally find out they were Data Entry Clerks. I had specifically asked them “so you sell tickets to get in?” and they said yes. Turns out they don’t sell anything, they don’t handle cash, they never even see a single ticket of any kind. They do data entry.
Me: How do you think NOT SELLING TICKETS makes you a Ticket Seller? How does Data Entry equate to the Ticket Office?
Clerk: Oh, well we work in an office.
Me: How does it make you a Ticket Seller when you do data entry?
Clerk: Well, other people in the department sell tickets.

This one department who hadn’t sent us a list, after calling a couple dozen times (every time one of their staff came by) they wanted to know why we kept calling…
MGR: Aren’t they on your list?
Me: What list? We never received a list.
MGR: We made a list, you don’t have it?
Me: Did you send it?
MGR: No.
Me: We can’t have it unless you send it.
MGR: I’ll send it after we send the people over.
Me: But we need that list to give out the IDs. We need it BEFORE you send us people.
MGR: Okay, well most of our people will be coming by today, I’ll send you the list at the end of the day. Bye. *click*

Or this one department who kept calling about a new hire. After FOUR phone calls to check that he hadn’t picked up his ID I discover he was next in the lineup the whole time. I call the department back and they say…
MGR: Well what’s taking so long? He’s 15 minutes late for his training.
Me: Well you see he was next in line but you kept me on the phone for the last 20 minutes asking about him.

Another similar conversation when a manager calls me up angrily demanding to know why my staff keep pestering them with phone calls to check on staff…
MGR: But I thought they were in the system.
Me: What system?
MGR: Your system.
Me: We don’t have a system. But let’s say we did, how would they get into this system?
MGR: I don’t know.
Me: Our system is you send us lists, we use those lists to give out IDs.
MGR: Oh?
Me: That’s what I said at orientation, that’s what was in your manager’s booklets.
MGR: Oh, that’s why you said that.
Me: Why did you THINK I said that?
MGR: I just figured it was a backup in case your system went down.
Me: What did you do last year?
MGR: I don’t remember.

One individual had told us she didn’t have a phone but when one of her subordinates needed an ID he provided us with a number which we had called several times to confirm staff as she hadn’t sent us their names. The most recent call went thusly…
Me: Can I get a list of names for everyone working for you? I know I’ve asked several times already but this would allow us to stop having to call you all the time or turn your employees away which I really don’t want to do.
MGR: Why would you need their names?
Me: To know that they work here, what department they work for, their job title and status. Otherwise anyone could walk in off the street and get an ID.
MGR: What do you mean?
Me: Well for example a new hire could tell us they’re a supervisor or manager when they’re not…or a criminal could say he needs access and then rob us.
MGR: So what do you need?
Me: A list of names would be a great start.
MGR: How do I do that?
Me: Well an e-mail would work.
MGR: I don’t have e-mail.
Me: You could call us.
MGR: I don’t have a phone.
Me: But I just called you. We’re talking on the phone right now. You could give me the names right now over the phone and I could write them down, I have a pen and a piece of paper and everything.
MGR: Can I just come down?
Me: Sure, will you come down with all your employees?
MGR: No, I can’t do that.
Me: Could you come down and write the names of all your employees on a piece of paper for us?
MGR: Maybe.
Me: You could use an Identification Department form.
MGR: What’s that?
Me: A form you can fill out and give to your employees to get their ID.
MGR: Oh. And what’s the Identification Department?
Me: Uh, the ID office.
MGR: Oh.
Me: Didn’t they mention any of this at orientation?
MGR: I didn’t have an orientation.
Me: Come down, ask for me. I’ll show you the form, you can give me a list, we’ll find some way to work this out.
MGR: Okay, I’ll be there in 20 minutes.
2 hours later I get a list by e-mail.

And another department…
Me: Can I get a list of everyone working this year?
MGR: But it isn’t done yet.
Me: But your staff are here now.
MGR: I’ll send it along when it’s done.
Me: An incomplete list will be fine for now. We can update it later.
MGR: Okay I’ll send it later.
Me: But they’re here now- *click*
I called back and got a Supervisor who sent me the list.

Do you think I should share these amusing anecdotes with my boss?

Recently televangelist Pat Robertson (Pat isn’t even his real name!) finally converted to a religion that is taking the world, quite literally, by storm: Global Warming.

That’s right. Almost the entire scientific community, devastating and unheard of natural disasters, and even conventional wisdom and easily observable evidence all was not enough to sway him. So what did it? What convinced this ostrich to take it’s head out of the sand (or his own bodily orifice) and take a wee notice or reality? A heat wave.

Not exactly a biblical plague but I’ll take it.

He even went so far as to say “We really need to address the burning of fossil fuels. It is getting hotter, and the icecaps are melting and there is a buildup of carbon dioxide in the air” on his TV show.

Personally I see this as a sign of hope. Yes the entire situation with Pat is generally laughable but the fact is if someone that out of touch with reality yet still influential in mainstream American right-wing politics can admit that You are on the way to destruction, You have no chance to survive make your time maybe we can For great justice, Take off every Zig.

But seriously, if enough of these boneheads can come on to the side of logic then perhaps the rapture is in fact NOT nigh.

So the other day my new Hootie & The Blowfish DVD, CD, and T-shirt arrived. I sat down soon as I opened the package and watched the Live In Charleston DVD.

It’s been 10 years and they’re still the same, and deep down so am I. Soni’s still funny, Darius still deep, and they still have a toast before the show but most of all they still rock.

Some folks in the crowd look SO happy. This one woman just jumping up and down with this huge smile on her face, that’d be me. I’d call in every favor, spend any amount, break any rule - I’d be there front row center. If I was there I’d be looking like Ed Helms: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

What would I say if I met the band? Record a cover of (What’s So Funny ‘Bout) Peace, Love and Understanding.

This concert was for a good cause even. They’re great role models and sing about things of depth, substance, and emotional maturity and complexity but then kick back and have the greatest fun.

The first time I saw them live it was like a religious experience, each time I watch one of their DVDs it’s like a little fuel for the soul. I think I found the band to listen to this fair… (see ‘Stop Crying Your Heart Out’)

This DVD reminds me what it’s like to be one of those people who call The Beat to request a song they already play every hour - it reminds me of going to HMV to listen to Let Her Cry each day at the listening station. No matter how many times I heard it I wanted to hear it again. Why did I like Let Her Cry so much? Because there was nothing else like
it, before or since, I don’t think anyone’s tried to steal the format.
10 years of listening to this song and they still make it fresh,
instantly connecting me to the person I was. All the likes, hopes,
fears, and dreams…they’re all still there. No matter how far I travel
or stray from the path these touchstones bring me back - like the
picture on my desk at work.

Listening to all the songs is like someone sitting in my brain poking different places to activate different parts of my personality.

And what’s the deal with the weird guitar player (Peter Holsapple) who looks like a cross between Jude Ciccolella and Tim Brazeal?

They still put 100% into their shows: entertainment, personality, and genuine emotion. You can tell these guys like the music and really enjoy playing it.

There are some fine hootie fans out there.

A message to concertgoers and fans: please don’t dance to Look Away, it just looks wrong. It’s not really a dancing song, the beat goes through too many changes and it’s just not a happy song.

Dean Felber looks ripped, shy dude spending all his time in the gym?

I Hope That I Don’t Fall In Love With You can kick James Blunt’s You’re Beautiful any day of the week.

Can you imagine what a Hootie concert would be like with Red Bull? *drools*

This makes me crave a concert: Hootie, 54*40, DM, BNL, whatever.

Man the hometown really digs ‘Hold My Hand’.

The DVD has a very abrupt ending and totally needed way more behind the scenes stuff but otherwise I definitely recommend it. However if you’re looking for your first Hootie DVD you definitely need to get Summer Camp With Trucks not just because it was the first DVD but it has way more behind the scenes stuff that really shows you what the band is like and all about. If it weren’t for Summer Camp With Trucks I doubt I would love the band or appreciate the music as much as I do.

The nature of the universe? Easy. The meaning of life? Child’s play. Who to marry? Who cares.

Which Pet Shop Boys concert should I move heaven and earth to attend? Now that’s hard.

October 10th: Montreal
October 11th: Toronto
October 14th: NYC
October 15th: Washington DC
October 18th: Orlando
November 5th: Seattle
November 7th: San Francisco

It’s quite the tough decision but it’s nice to know that Jon and Mindi are both willing to make the pilgrimage with me, heck even my sister would probably be on board if I asked.

However Jon did have this to say… “If you go to San Fran without me, I will personally hire a large guy who has no name pronounceable without tongue clicks to remove important organs for sale on the black market. I don’t know if you like your lungs but someone will.”

I would like to formally enter my official response to this into the record: “Just remember there is a distinction between me making the pilgrimage to see PSB and you being too much of a pussy to go AWOL and me ‘going without you’”

To which he said “PSB is not worth time in military prison“.

My reply? “Maybe for you. Personally I’m pondering the possibility of taking time off work and digging into my savings to follow them across the continent”

I bet you think some part of the above conversation was a joke.

I had a meeting with my boss today to discuss me taking the first week of November off. She’s fine with it so this thing is a go. Anyone interested in following me to one of the above Meccas please let me know.

A week ago I made the observation that I hadn’t seen either of my crazy neighbours in quite some time (one of whom I discussed in ‘Consequences’), about a week and a half. It was like living in a normal apartment building. Doors kept closed and locked, quiet at night, and, oh yea, no crazies. After the first week or so I began to wonder what had happened to them.

I wouldn’t characterize myself as ‘concerned’ per se but rather curious and mildly apprehensive that they’d return crazier than ever - is there such a thing as a sabbatical for the mentally unstable?

I’ll be honest, if both of them dropped off the face of the earth never to return I wouldn’t mind overly much. He is a complete drain on society - unappreciative and unrepentant. He is perhaps only the second person I have ever met that gives nothing to the world. He takes, he drinks, and he swears but beyond that he is absent from existence. A black hole personified - although he emits great waste and foul language instead of gamma and x rays.

If he were to disappear society would improve by the most marginal of degrees and it gives me no pleasure to say so. She on the other hand is something else. She’s crazy but concerned, a drinker who wants to improve conditions for herself and others. She can be a useful ally and an annoyance. In the end I figure she’s more hassle than benefit.

During the couple weeks when they were gone it was great. It hadn’t been that normal in the building in over a year. Shortly after I made this revelation the end of the month arrived and I received a call from the landlord. He was wondering where they had disappeared to. Now the last time I saw the crazy guy the cops were talking to him so I figured he’d just as likely been in jail, which suited me fine. The landlord said he had spoken to him earlier in the day, it was the female he was looking for, I told him I hadn’t seen her.

A few days later the crazy guy had indeed returned and as I feared took things up a notch. He was yelling, screaming, and swearing in the hallway like before but the subject matter was decidedly more random. Before he would curse and scream at the injustices allegedly perpetrated against him by the world that didn’t subscribe to his hippie ideology. This time he was yelling about how people don’t know who Humpty Dumpty and Scooby-Doo are. I heard him yelling at passers-by but did not feel it necessary to intervene. Then he started yelling “I believe in the Apocalypse. That’s the way to go! I’m going to blow up the whole world! It’s all going to burn!”

This had me somewhat concerned.

Then he loudly set up a drug deal to take place in ten minutes. It was at this point I felt it incumbent upon me to share my tale of woe with the non-emergency line for the police. Sure enough they arrived 10 minutes later but they seemed to misunderstand the complaint. They told him not to drink outside his apartment and stop yelling at passers-by about “Humpty Dumpty and The Apocalypse“. He swore at the cops, disrespected their authority, and said he would take his drinks inside but otherwise wouldn’t listen to them. The police had a big laugh over the whole thing and left.

I was less than thrilled with their response. Miraculously though it seemed to have the desired effect, he shut up and stayed in his apartment and hasn’t bothered anyone since.

Oh, and the crazy lady? Well last night I saw the light on in her apartment so I assume she must be back and alive. So it seems our crazy compliment is back to full.

I’ll try to contain my excitement.

In my previous post I posed the question “imagine going back to 1989 and telling myself that one day I could have access to the whole of human knowledge (wikipedia), chat with my friends, and listen to every song I’ve ever liked while waiting for the bus all on a device smaller than a Walkman“. Now imagine moments later telling that same 9 year old that it would be the same bus. Not just the same model or type of bus but the actual bus itself, still in service.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m very pleased to see the alternative fuel or lower emissions test buses out there but I think it’s fair to ask why hasn’t energy and transportation technology kept up with communication, information, data storage, and computing technology? Granted battery technology has improved significantly but even those only seem to be utilized in these new high-tech devices. Why can’t there be a Moore’s Law for transportation technologies?

Well a large part of the answer to that particular poser can be found in the documentary flick Who Killed The Electric Car? I highly recommend it. As entertaining, if not more so, than any Michael Moore offering and far more balanced. As my friend said, “I’ll watch anything narrated by Martin Sheen“. It runs 90 minutes and trust me not for one moment will you feel like you’re back in school.

You WILL want to buy an electric car after wards but you can’t - the car companies don’t want your money. They seized and destroyed all the electric cars on the off chance some maverick might want to dare turn a profit on new technology.

Much like the electric car Zero Emissions buses are hardly a new or unproven technology. In point of fact the bus I was mentioning at the beginning of this post is a trolley bus so it IS zero emissions and I’m grateful for it but very few of our buses are trolleys. In fact my entire trip to and from work is zero emission. I walk to the train, take the electric train one stop and get on the electric bus. It may sound strange but I feel good about that. Yes I might like the convenience of a car but something Doctor Who said comes to mind “Yes, they’ve got guns but that makes me the better person. They can shoot me dead but the moral high ground will be mine“.

Now were an electric car available, that would be something I could get behind with more enthusiasm. I wouldn’t need to sacrifice my savings or my morals on the alter of road trips. Right now it’s too close to call but were an electric car available for a reasonable amount I’d already have my name on a waiting list.

The other night I waited over an hour for the bus near my work but the experience was not without benefit. Specifically my discovery of an insecure WiFi network named ‘Benry’.

I imagine the source is the home of a high-tech (although not particularly savvy) gay couple named Ben and Henry. Reasonably wealthy businessmen they have laptops they connect wirelessly to the Internet and don’t notice my slight use of their bandwidth.

I suppose it’s equally likely that Benry is in fact a large biker actually named Benry and bitter because of it, perpetually looking for someone to take his frustrations on by beating into a pulp and but by the grace of God have I not incurred his wrath.

Whatever the reason I like the idea of checking my e-mail, chatting on MSN, and browsing Friendster while waiting for the bus. What an interesting time we live in, with technology progressing in leaps and bounds constantly changing our lives in sometimes subtle and sometimes challenging ways.

Think about for example the first 10 years of my life, the 80s. How many revolutionary technologies came out during that time? CDs and better special effects for movies? Even that hardly changed day to day lives. Locally the skytrain was built in that time but even the best monorail could hardly be seen as new technology - it’s essentially a train after all.

Compare that to the years from 1995-2005 with the lowering cost and ever-increasing speed of PCs, the introduction of BBSs and then the Internet. DVDs. The popularity, functionality, and accessible costs of cell phones. Mp3 players and PDAs. GPS. Digital Cameras.

Why, we’ve become so jaded that many of these leaps hardly garner a moment to sit back and ponder. Imagine going back to 1989 and telling myself that one day I could have access to the whole of human knowledge (wikipedia), chat with my friends, and listen to every song I’ve ever liked while waiting for the bus all on a device smaller than a Walkman and with no cost beyond purchasing the device.

I wonder what Benry would say.

Just to further clarify a couple previous posts (see ‘Overages’ and ‘Sick’) it isn’t that I don’t want to hear from people, I’m not asking to be left alone or anything like that. I’m just asking if the matter isn’t pressing to wait until 7pm or the weekend to call and wait until my MSN status is set to ‘online’. Or call me at work.

Think about it this way, you see someone is on MSN but they’re set to ‘Away’ or ‘Busy’, why not just send them an e-mail instead? Think of it as a ‘message’ that doesn’t have to be ‘instant’.

I’m not overly concerned about my cell phone bill right now anyways; between my forthcoming corporate cell and my discovery of a few insecure wireless networks in the vicinity of work my airtime should probably already be back under control I think, although I’m probably over my text message amount.

Hopefully people can see that getting my bill under control and being annoyed at lack of online etiquette doesn’t require me actually being mad at anyone. This blog is all about sharing what’s on my mind, not publicly complaining about my family and friends although I can see why some recent somewhat more negative posts might give people that impression.

I recently relayed the tale of how I came to be punched in the head on a bus the other day to my friend who in turn told his mother who then came out to claim I was making the whole thing up. Here’s what happened…

I’m sitting on the sideways-facing seats near the back, he was sitting on the foreword-facing seats facing me. I feel like crap so my eyes are closed. Then *bam* punches me in the side of the head and stands up. I open my eyes and stand up because senior citizen or no there’s no excuse to randomly punch a guy in the head. He says “sorry“.

I’m like “okay, but why did you punch me in the head?!” and he’s all “no speak English” and I’m like “bull” and then this big African guy sitting across from me stands up and says “buddy don’t do it” just as the bus arrives at 29th Avenue and we all get off. I never did find out what the fellow thought I was going to do.

The fact is the whole encounter was too weird to be made up, but I leave it to you dear reader to decide for yourself.

So I’m over at a friend’s place with a girl who beat my friend at Scrabble last time we hung out. He wants a rematch and we’re happy to oblige. He starts off, second move of the game (his first move) dropping all his letters on a word scoring 72 points. I figure the game’s over but I’m here to have fun so I continue to play, not really thinking competitively.

In short order the board closes up, I can either risk trying to pull off a word that I’m not sure exists that will open up the board or further close up the board and get far fewer points. I figure if we’re going to have fun opening the board and perhaps making the game a little closer would be worth the risk. I still figured the game was lost so I didn’t mind. As I’m muttering to myself our host says I should just put the tiles down. I do, 90 seconds of silence later he challenges the word and leaves the room. He comes back and says it doesn’t exist. Apparently her checked dictionary.com

I shrug and pick up my pieces. He offers to let me make a different move but I figure I took my chances and since the game was pretty much decided in the second move there’s really no point. Now we had admittedly been talking a bit of trash, all in good fun but this is where he took things up a notch. It went on for quite a while “You okay? You sad? You gonna cry? Do you need a hug? Do you need a kiss?” He told the girl to “give him some comfort” and then went back to his chant of “You okay? You sad? You gonna cry? Do you need a hug? Do you need a kiss?“. No one was laughing but somehow that only emboldened him to continue.

Look, I admit stuff like that can be funny and I’m willing to play along but when no one is laughing and it goes on for minutes and everything gets repeated several times, well, it just gets grating. What are you supposed to say to that? If there was some kind of funny rebuttal or appropriate response please let me know, I tossed out a few but it just made it worse. Figuring he’d eventually get tired of it so we could just move on I just sat there and took it, trying to be a good sport. I sat there and he just went on and on and on. If he was getting some laughs that would make sense but it was just really awkward.

I could say nothing to make it funny, nothing to defend myself, nothing to make it any shorter so I just sat there. Now I’m the first in line to be made fun of when it’s funny but this whole encounter was just sad. I wasn’t upset about losing the challenge, I genuinely didn’t care as it was just a game. But stopping the game for 5 minutes of humourless and pointless ridicule where basically I just sat there and had insults yelled at me wore thin fast. And it continued as we finally resumed the game, it became his touchstone for the rest of the game.

And yes, after hearing the same thing several times, him getting so worked up he started banging the table and woke up his mother sleeping in the next room I got annoyed. I just wanted him to shut his big mouth, talk about something else, or maybe just say something funny. Something to end the pain but it wasn’t forthcoming so I just focused on the game. So in the absence of fun I got so focused I ended up winning…by a lot.

After we left I asked the other person playing what they thought of the whole exchange. Did I really appear upset? Was I just not having a sense of humour about the whole situation? She basically said it felt really awkward to sit there and watch him emasculate me for no reason, repeatedly, without humour, and seemingly without end.

Losing a game doesn’t bother me, being made fun of doesn’t bother me, having a joke land flat on it’s face doesn’t bother me - being made to sit through endless awkwardness on the other hand DOES.

Granted there were some mitigating circumstances: he had been into the wine and I was very tired but nevertheless I’ve seen him and other people try those same lines in other situations (although never for so long or repeated so many times) and I have yet to see them get much of a laugh. I guess I just don’t find it funny.

One loyal reader recently suggested the topic of, and I quote, “how I keep kicking your ass at Trivial Pursuit“.

To clarify, in our most recent game he DID win but I had all my pie at the time so it was a near thing. He got a lucky roll and I had out-thought myself on a pie question earlier in the game that put me behind.

But he did, and often does, win. To what do I attribute this? Sports & Games. I hate this category with a passion not often seen on this earth. For one thing, Hockey, Golf, and Frisbee related questions are incredibly rare. No, it feels the need to gravitate towards the less refined sports of Baseball, Football, and the Olympics (but not Olympic Hockey). Even Soccer (or Football for you Brits) seems unfairly left out. Frankly I see this as an unfair American bias in the game.

That’s right, my losing at Trivial Pursuit proves that the game is discriminatory against Canadians and the British. As a Canadian of British ancestry I feel doubly insulted, disadvantaged, and disenfranchised. Frankly this is unacceptable. I feel that we need a grass-roots movement to officially change the Sports & Games category.

Now I can see how it would be difficult to please everyone. I can’t see many Cricket related questions making it into a game sold in North America for example. Even Rugby could be a tough sell. No, I think this entire category needs to be abandoned in the name of world peace.

That’s right, Sports & Games is an affront to global multinational harmony.

I propose we bring the Science & Nature category from Genus into the Pop Culture version. It may offend religious fanatics like the Amish but those wackjobs are a minority that can be ignored in the interests of greater cultural sensitivity.