Emotionally Available
I didn’t feel like writing about secret CIA programs, people writing me for advice, or even wikipedia today - I simply wasn’t in the mood. So I’m farting about online when I come across 2 articles written in parallel about dating advice. One article was about how men can get women’s phone numbers and the other article was about why men settle down with some women and not others.
The first article was interesting, made some valid points, and in the end really just put common sense into specific relief.
The second article was meandering, self-absorbed, and took an eternity to get to the point.
I could make some gender-based generalizations here but I think I’d like to keep my various extremities, to say nothing of my date-ability, intact.
The second article posed the question “why do men settle down with some women and not others?” I had hoped this would be more interesting than that “how to get her number” article but I was in for a disappointment. The article doesn’t even BEGIN to address it’s own question until half way through. The first half was a self-aggrandizing list of things you shouldn’t do or think or say - not once providing an alternative or even much of a reason save repeating “men don’t think that way“. Well men, at least this one at any rate, don’t like lists of things NOT to do that do not include positive suggestions or alternatives in an ADVICE column - I suppose I shouldn’t judge too harshly as the article was written for women but I can’t believe the constant put-downs is healthy for any gender.
Basically the answer the article comes up with is that women make bad choices. That’s right, the answer to “why do men settle down with some women and not others?” had NOTHING to do with the men! The article made 2 interesting points that while completely off-topic from the proposed thesis made me think.
The first was that women choose men with “issues“. Apparently most women choose men with “issues” and think they can help turn them into better people. I sincerely hope this idea is as absurd as it sounds. I’m all for seeing the potential in people but really, if the things that matter to you aren’t there then why are you? More than that, if these “issues” hurt you in some way, get out now. Yes I have dated women who I saw potential in that had not yet been realized but that usually related to incidental stuff like their careers, not that these things aren’t important but they’re incidental to the relationship - they’re not WHY you’re there.
The other point the article made that caught my interest was that women need to be more discriminating when choosing a mate. In particular they need to look for someone who is “emotionally available“. I’m going to have a normal guy moment here and ask What the hell does emotionally available mean? I’ve checked Wikipedia and it doesn’t have an entry on the subject so I’m tempted to just claim it doesn’t exist and move on however Carrie kept referring to Big as “Emotionally Unavailable” and cited that as a major flaw in their relationship (if you don’t get the reference, get with it already). Now I’ll admit I see a lot of the Big character in myself. Is this something I should be concerned about?
Am I emotionally available?
If that means am I willing to discuss my feelings generally that’s a yes. I do however have days where I don’t feel like getting into the heavy stuff but that isn’t all that often. Wikipedia DOES have an entry for Emotional Isolation which I would think is the antonym for Emotionally Available. Emotional Isolation is simply defined as having no one to confide in. Well I don’t think that’s a problem. If I can’t talk to Burton, Jon, or Mindi there’s an army of folks on the internet ready to read about my woes. But does that make me emotionally available?
Perhaps it means allowing yourself to be emotionally affected by things. The last episode of Doctor Who almost made me cry, if anything I think I’m going too far in the opposite direction.
Does it mean available to be very emotionally giving? This might be the rub. I was recently dumped after all. I tend to focus on the mundane, I admit. I can be a romantic sap but you can’t force it. Anyone who has ever said “say something romantic” or “do something romantic” hang your heads in shame. Why not just demand someone be funny on command or “cheer up“? I won’t be your monkey if for no other reason than it wouldn’t be genuine and that does all of us a disservice. So yea, I’m a little hurt and maybe not as emotionally available as I could be (whatever that means) but I don’t think that should weed me out from the dating pool.
Don’t expect to fix me, but when I do come out of my shell you’ll know you’ve got the real thing and frankly I think that will mean more and be more rewarding. I think there’s a line between being patient and supportive versus trying to change someone and being manipulative - this article doesn’t make this distinction very clear.
The article also suggests men avoid talking about ANYTHING emotional because it’s “drama“. I know I’m not like most men but this is not the case, at least with me. Drama is unnecessary stuff like getting worked up about something that has nothing to do with you or inventing problems where they don’t exist or constantly harping on issues that should be dead and buried. Drama is what incomplete people cling to when nothing important is going on in their lives so they have something to talk about and a source of sympathy where it likely isn’t warranted.
The final conclusion of the article is that women who want to settle down need to be unpredictable. To me this makes about as much sense as sticking your tongue in an electrical pencil sharpener.
I mean, there’s the occasional bout of spontaneity that can be very attractive and perhaps make a guy feel like he’s in no danger of being in a rut but that’s not what this article is suggesting. This article suggests that you should behave oddly to the point that the guy wonders what the heck you’re thinking pretty much at all times. Let’s think about this for a bit because it sounds like a sick game to me. First they’re advocating you behave in a way you wouldn’t normally thus not being yourself and presenting a false image to the guy. If you don’t want to give up the ghost that means you’d have to play-act at this role for the rest of your life! But more basic than that, in the thought process of such advice columns, what is one of the most frequent complaints from men about women? That they don’t behave logically! That they confuse and confound and annoy us and we’re not complaining because it’s cute! It damned frustrating, often hurtful, and in the end NOT ATTRACTIVE.
Be a free spirit if you ARE a free spirit. Allow yourself to be yourself, stop reading these self-serving articles, and just be open and honest with your partner. Why do men and women play all these games? I have theory…
A women’s magazine advertises advice to improve your relationship and you think “Great! Who wouldn’t want a better relationship?“. Then you read the magazine and end up more confused and/or depressed than before. Either the magazine convinces you the relationship isn’t as good as you think or it convinces you that your partner means something other than what they are saying. So what do you turn to for help? More magazines. Books by magazine contributors or editors. Therapy. You name it. The point is, this is big business. If a magazine or online article could give you the perfect relationship you’d never need to buy the magazine again. The shrewd business person would in fact sabotage your relationship, life, diet, whatever to keep you coming back for the next quick fix or bit of common sense advice dressed up as insightful wisdom.
So please, when reading this claptrap think of it as a lark, don’t take it too seriously, and don’t go in with any further expectations than a laugh and maybe a fun idea for something to try.
Frankly I think the women’s article is lost in space but feel free to decide for yourself…
Why A Man “Settles Down” With One Woman And Not Another:
http://www.catchhimandkeephim.com/m/10886/articles/settles_down.asp
How To Get A Woman’s Phone Number And Email Address Within Three Minutes Of Meeting Her:
http://www.doubleyourdating.com/m/16839/articles/get_phone_number.asp
