Grazing Rites

In the interests of openness and honesty (see ‘Dream A Little Dream’) I present memorable dream #3.

Note: This dream takes place in the absent 3rd person so I do not actually appear in what follows.

In this dream it seems Pamela Anderson has decided to add another wedding to her list, this time in BC because that’s where she’s from. However it turns out her hometown doesn’t have the facilities she wants so she decides to hold it in Vancouver (ain’t it cool how my dreams still often adhere to their own internal logic?). While in the city she decides to catch a TheatreSports show on Granville Island by herself.

The show ends up selling out and she ends up sitting in the front row next to someone who has expressed an interest in me lately. They get to talking about relationships as they wait for the show to start. An ex of mine turns out to be in the show and is subsequently ‘killed’ in the first scene. The girl who likes me stands up and cheers, Pam on the other hand is horrified at the depiction of violence.

And…Scene!

(Your guess is as good as mine, folks)

In response to my recent complaining about MSN etiquette (see ‘Sick’) one reader wrote in “I just type AFK and they leave me alone“. AFK for the uninitiated means Away From Keyboard.

So let me get this straight, Away is a source of confusion but AFK is universally understood and accepted. I wonder, if I’m set to Away what precisely do people think I’m away FROM? To clarify, I must replace a 4-letter word with a 3-letter acronym which references the old word to make my meaning clearer.

Sigh.

Not too long ago I got into an argument online because someone wrote “Hahahaha“. I asked them what was so funny. After she insulted me and swore at me for my comment I was told that LOL means something is funny whereas Hahahaha means something looks stupid. See to me Hahahaha looks like laughing and LOL stands for Laughing Out Loud. They seem to be synonymous to me, the only difference being perhaps one of degree. Clearly I was mistaken and had committed some kind of inexcusable faux pas.

I mean, if something looks stupid why not just say it looks stupid, or LS if you want another acronym to add to the lexicon.

I understand language is a living fluid thing that is always changing, ever evolving, however these two examples make me wonder if the poor devil’s been exposed to some kind of radiation.

If Away no longer means away and laughing is no longer funny and acronyms the only way we have of communicating then I have to declare the internet officially broken.

Given that the impetus behind the creation of this blog (other than Jon’s demands for it) was a dream that I was able to recall in perfect detail (see ‘Iraqi Vacation’) I feel I should share with you the only other dream I’ve been able to recall since then.

It involved this girl I used to have a HUGE crush on. She was throwing a house party in the dream and it turned out after I agreed to go that only couples would be attending. Now in this dream, unlike reality, we were both single so when I mentioned my discomfort at being at a party full of couples she turned to me and said with a smirk “what’s the worst that could happen, we end up making out?”

Dream or no, how could you argue with that logic?

And who says “making out” after high school? Or “crush” for that matter. But I digress…

So sure enough we end up making out after the party and it’s great. As it’s happening I think back on how much I wanted to be with her back when I had my huge crush on her years ago and how cathartic the experience is, the latter of which an odd thing to think in a moment like that. So then as things heat up I suddenly realize that I have no interest in moving beyond kissing - I’m not attracted to her sexually! Trying to think my way out of this pickle I remember that she is friends with an ex of mine and then I wake up.

What the hell does THAT mean?

My best theory is that it was my subconscious purging any remaining amorous feelings I may have once held for her, although I hadn’t consciously thought about her that way in years. Maybe this is how someone evolves from an object of desire into a sister-like friend (well not MY sister, but you get the idea). She hinted back when I expressed an interest in her years ago that we weren’t sexually compatible, perhaps this is my way of finally admitting that she was right and I was wrong.

The male ego’s messed up, yo.

What’s next, cross-dressing on the moon with Hitler?

Well it happened again, a mysterious and unknown person has appeared on my MSN list. Perhaps you can help me sort through the clues and figure out who this person is. Here are the clues…

• They know my first name
• They did not know I was a Star Trek fan
• As an extension of that last point, they have not seen my website
• They like Nog from DS9
• They have at least 2 computers
• They are “on the express connection dial-up. Only get 10 minutes online and then get disconnected. Only after midnight can use the regular connection without getting disconnected until 8am”

People That It Is Not

• Simi
• Jeff

If you are not this mysterious person please let me know so I can remove your name from consideration and please feel free to submit your own guesses.

So why am I sick during the brightest and busiest time of the year?

Well it’s been ridiculously warm so sleeping at night can be a challenge. Work is busier so I push myself more this time of year however my new job requires much less of me in terms of effort and stress, although I do have to get up much earlier which probably contributes to the problem. I also blame my friends.

Don’t get me wrong, I like my friends, I like talking to them and spending time with them but some of them seem to push their boundaries. For example hanging out long after I should have gone to bed on a work night - how do you put your foot down without hurting anyone’s feelings? Yes I like spending time with you but if I don’t get some sleep I am going to get sick. What kind of choice is that to have to make? I try to be serious but gentle, I try to make a joke of it, and yet still the message doesn’t get through. And now I’m sick.

How about keeping a sick person at arm’s length because you don’t want to catch what they have? Again, I don’t want to be rude or push them away however this is when I make my money for the year. Make me sick in November or January when it doesn’t cost so much in terms of opportunity cost - I’ll give your contagious ass a hug then, okay?

Or how about MSN? This one’s the real kicker for me. You see I only have a cell phone and no land line so I see MSN as a way of keeping my cell bill down. But no one seems to respect the ‘Away’ mode any more. I might be out getting groceries, taking a nap, making food, or otherwise AWAY from the computer and yet still asinine messages might come in like “hey what’s up?” or “what cha doin?“. Again not wanting to burn bridges I try to bring this up casually with people but all I seem to get in reply is “well you’re ALWAYS set to away“.

If I’m already having a conversation with someone about something serious or wanted to pay attention to chatting with a specific person I’ll also set myself to ‘away’ so I’m not distracted by other messages however since people always message me regardless of status I’m pretty much always trying to keep my fingers in the dam. I’m not trying to say I’m popular or anything, frankly much of the time it’s work related. If only people respected the ‘away’ status then I might finally get through the queue and set myself to ‘online’ more often.

I’ve experimented with other status options such as ‘Out To Lunch’ when I’m eating or trying ‘Busy’ when things are going crazy but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. I’ve even tried putting what I was doing in my screenname, it just encourages people to ask about it! If my screenname is ‘Eating’ and my status set to ‘Out To Lunch’ why do people feel the need to interrogate me about my food choices rather than just let me eat? It has gotten so bad that some days I get up to answer MSN messages more times during a meal than bites it takes to eat it.

And invariably right as I’m trying to go to bed someone starts messaging me about either work or something completely unimportant if indeed there is even an actual topic. Am I the only one who actually thinks about someone’s status before bombarding them with messages? And what’s with people who send 4 messages one right after another when they could all easily fit in one? “Hey“, “What’s up?“, “What are you doing?“, and “I’m bored” all received within 5 seconds could easily be one message.

I miss ICQ. If you didn’t answer a message right away it waited in a queue, if you didn’t get to replying until after the person went offline then the message was saved until they came online next, and most of all when trying to message someone with a status other than Online a customizable message would pop up.

So when I got sick I thought it was time to put my foot down, if people weren’t going to respect my status I was just going to keep my computer off, should keep my apartment cooler and if people had something to say they could send an e-mail. But no, the great bored masses would not be ignored. The phone calls and text messages began to come in, including some asking why I wasn’t online when they knew I was sick! It was so bad that when the person I WANTED to hear from called, my battery was almost dead! I want to shout “what do you people want from me?!“.

I’m not trying to be a dick here, seriously. But the fact is I live by myself, there is no division of labour. If it needs to be done I’m the only person who can do it, if you keep me from it then it doesn’t get done. I’m not asking people to leave me alone, I’m not saying I’m mad at someone or don’t want to talk to people. All I’m asking is please respect the possibility that if I’m Away, Out To Lunch, Busy, or Offline there might just be a reason for it. Maybe take a nanosecond to think before sending a half dozen messages that actually don’t say anything. I just wish there was some way to get this point across without hurting people’s feelings or being misunderstood but if people can’t grasp the subtleties of being ‘Away’ meaning I’m actually ‘Away’ I can see how me saying ‘I’m not mad’ could be ambiguous.

Maybe it’s my fault. Perhaps I’m an MSN tease, letting the program run even though I might not be completely free and intensely interested in talking about nothing. I had thought maybe it was other people being rude for not respecting my status and/or screenname but perhaps status means absolutely nothing, maybe it’s like a font colour - a blue font doesn’t mean you’re sad, maybe ‘Away’ is just a random expression of nothingness. Non-information. Decoration. I don’t know.

I’m really trying hard not to be a jerk here but I think turning off my computer and shutting off my phone just to get a few minutes to do what needs to be done would make me more of a jerk. I mean, what if there was an emergency of some kind? What if someone needed me for something other than inane chatter? It could happen.

I don’t want someone to read this and feel bad or stop talking to me. If the world was perfect they’d simply read this and say “hey, maybe I’ll check his status before I pester him next time” and leave it at that. Unfortunately my previous subtly didn’t seem to be working so I had to pull out this bigger stick to get the message across, hopefully no one will hold it against me.

“Oh…the tone of this book? For those people who like to be warned about such things? Well…it’s…It gets kind of intense, actually. There. Now you’re warned. So… Let’s get deep.” -Peter David

As you may or may not be aware I have an honours degree in Political Science (this is background info not me tooting my own horn because believe me I’d be the first to say the degree has done almost nothing for me) and despite extensive instruction and study within the multidisciplinary field of PoliSci there are 2 topics I almost never discuss: abortion and euthanasia.

The reason being that there seems to be no clear answer on either subject and any opinions on these issues are so personally subjective and often intensely emotional I find logical discussion of them often difficult if not impossible. I’m about to bend the restriction on one of those topics in what follows.

There, after those 2 ominous preambles I think I should be reasonably safe to continue.

It seems to me the hallmark of disagreement, the foundation of discord if you will, on the subject of abortion has been at what point does life begin. Interesting theories have been held on this subject for centuries, if not millennia. I’ve heard everything from the moment a sperm and/or egg is created to sentience (the formation of memories, self awareness, and the beginnings of an independent personality). Personally I lean towards the moment of birth but I am not confident of my leanings nor is that the subject of today’s inquiry.

Enter our protagonist. A responsible and moral female friend of mine who some time ago found herself in a bit of a bind. To her life begins earlier, sometime after conception but well before the end of the first trimester. To her abortion is immoral and not an option, however the morning after pill as it is commonly known is perfectly acceptable. I respect, understand, and accept her position, I do not claim to know any better.

As stated she found herself in a bit of a bind. Due to no fault of her own, as she is very responsible in such matters, she required one such pill. The result of, well, let’s call it the ultimate wardrobe malfunction. This was the second such occurrence which is understandable given the odds over the course of one’s lifetime. The first time the issue came up she went to a clinic, got a prescription, and $11 later had medication in hand the side effects of which are not in any way pleasant.

This second incident did not go so well. Going to the same clinic she happened upon a different doctor who denied her the prescription not on medical but rather alleged ethical grounds. I’ve heard of doctors refusing to perform abortions for ethical reasons which makes a certain degree of sense but this situation was heretofore unheard of to me. I mean I had read about such things but mostly in the US but the situation is different here in Canada.

For example, one such morning after pill (a misnomer as many of these pills are effective 72 hours to as late as 5 days after the fact) called Plan B was made available without a prescription in this province in 2000 and nation-wide last year. So this doctor taking an allegedy moral stance wasn’t stopping anything, merely providing a roadblock to medication. For Plan B costs $50, $25 for the medicine and $25 for a consultation. The idea behind the consultation is to provide the services of the clinic where she received the prescription the first time: namely informing the person of the side effects and making sure there would be no complications due to ongoing conditions or other medication.

This doctor told her that given her specific circumstances the likelihood of her needing the medication was somewhat low. Since abortion is not an option for her she wanted to be absolutely sure rather than either have an unwanted pregnancy or be forced to commit what would be to her tantamount to a mortal sin. He told her she would have to take her chances.

As I mentioned the side effects are not pleasant so I cannot imagine someone abusing this medicine, it makes you very ill and interferes with your life so I doubt this doctor thought she was abusing the option. And it’s not as if he was taking a moral stance because he didn’t want to be part of ending a life - apparently this doctor has issued this prescription before for similar situations. He simply and somewhat arbitrarily set up roadblocks for my friend.

So she was left with few choices. Money was tight so the $50 expenditure would have been unreasonable so she had to go to another clinic to find another doctor. But what if this doctor decided to arbitrarily deny her request as well? This left one real option: Lying.

What have we come to as a nation that we force the responsible ones to be treated this way? How can we accept a visit to the doctor being like playing roulette? Why have we given doctors this power? Yes, Plan B is available but if anything that makes the doctor’s stance all the more pointless and petty. Who is he to judge someone else? It wasn’t a medical or even an ethical position he was taking, he just randomly decided that she had to take her chances. Need I throw in a quote about power corrupting?

So where does behaviour like this leave us? Well either one can, as my friend was forced to, lie to medical practitioners and in doing so possibly risk their own health for the truth may contain some important detail critical to their survival or if they can’t shell out the cash for Plan B carry to term. Let’s think about this, those young girls who can’t afford $50 for Plan B sure as hell can’t afford to raise a child! Thus whether through adoption, orphanage, or handouts the social safety net paid for by all of us is given extra strain. And I don’t want to get on a high horse here but what kind of quality of life will these children receive? It’s not guaranteed to be poor but I think you’d be hard pressed not to agree that the odds would be more against them than a planned pregnancy.

I realize we’re technologically and medically advanced to have these options available at all and we’re quite enlightened to have Plan B as an option but I believe in constantly striving for something better and this example brings a murky problem into specific relief. I just hope that her experience is unique and not as common as I fear. She took moral responsibility not just for her own actions but for the actions of her partner in a way that sets a positive example for us all and she is looked down upon for no reason. She’s made to face artificial barriers, jump through hoops, and go through an emotional upheaval and frankly she wasn’t doing it for herself, she wants to have kids one day, she was doing it for us. She was doing it for her partner, for the child she may one day have, and I daresay for society as a whole. It was a selfless act that should be championed, praised, and made easier not looked down upon. She went through this hell for us. If more people took the kind of responsibility she did, and made appropriate and personally moral uses of the options so many have fought for in the past I genuinely believe the world would be a better place and on this point, as far as I am concerned, there can be no equivocation.

I went to Splashdown yesterday, thankfully before my symptoms began to appear, and had a great time. Thanks to Burton for giving me the head’s up and thanks to Jason for providing the ride. And thanks to Kam for…uh…comic relief?

Body Slides

Corkscrew - It’s super tame but often has a short line up. Not a bad way to start the day

Kamikaze - If you lay down the whole time you can get some pretty good speed.

Oliver Twist - More fun than the pub of the same name. It’s fast and quick, thus the line moves quickly. Exit the landing area quickly, your friend is likely right behind you.

Whipper Snapper - There’s an easily missed sign that tells you to sit up at a particular point - ignore this sign for airtime and concussion goodness.

Tube Slides

Black Hole (Single) - Fun and pretty dark but you don’t get very wet.

Black Hole (Double) - Pitch black and bone dry but good times.

Big Jim’s River Run - Best Slide In The Park. Hands Down. No Contest. Went on this like a dozen times and wanted more.

In conclusion, SO worth the $19.95 admission. I felt like a criminal for using my 2-for-1 coupon (thanks mommy). Of course this just makes my desire, nay, NEED to go to Cultus Lake all the stronger. Soon as I get this cold kicked I’ll be willing to give up vital parts of my anatomy to go…

Mindi, Burton, and Jon (the number 1, 3, and 7 spots respectively) have been taken off the On Notice board for performing appropriate acts of contrition (see ‘Overages’).

It has also been suggested that my mother move up on the Dead To Me board and that my sister’s name be added - frankly I don’t think all my readers understand the nature of the boards.

On Notice refers to the top 7 individuals causing overage charges on my cell phone bill in the most recent month. Dead To Me refers to the top 7 offenders overall. To clarify this is just meant to be a whimsical way for me to remind people to be mindful of when my phone is free, I’m not expecting anyone to cough up the charges or anything. I just don’t want my overages becoming unmanageable in the future. To put things in perspective my overages this month were just over $4 total so it’s not yet a cause for concern.

Sears and GM Place: You’re still On Notice.

My cell phone bill had overages this month, which means I unfortunately have to put the following people On Notice:
Mindi
Burton
Sears
GM Place
Jon

Remember my phone is free on weekends and from 7pm to 7am on weekdays.

And on the Dead To Me list Burton has unseated someone for the #3 spot, otherwise the list remains the same…
Burton
Mom
Elections
Sears

All that having been said I should be getting my corporate cell on Tuesday.

Over the last few months I have become somewhat frustrated by some people’s complete inability to accept the consequences of their actions.

You terrorize you neighbours and ignore complaints both informal and written from your neighbours and landlord and you’re surprised, nay, offended when you’re evicted.

You go without sleep for long periods of time and your health suffers, big shock.

You break up with someone and you’re suddenly alone, single, and bored then declare that this wasn’t what you wanted.

It’s not like these were unforeseeable outcomes. If you ended up being evicted because you ended a relationship or end up being bored because you annoyed your neighbours then I think you’d have just cause to surprise but I think the examples above are all pretty clear cut and obvious and in the first and last case you clearly have no one to blame but yourself.

But why look to blame anyone at all? If you didn’t want the outcome why did you take the steps to achieve it? Do you order a cheeseburger and then complain that it has cheese on it? Why get on a road headed south if north is where you want to go? And better still why do you continue in that direction even when very clear signs of where you are headed are pointed out to you along the way?

Before I continue I should mention that the sleep comment is not directed at any specific individual - this last week alone I have heard of at least 3 people who have either gone completely without sleep or gotten far less than normal and ended up sick and a horde of people who have complained about being tired when they chose to stay up late - it’s a general observation, I’m guilty of it often enough.

I’ve also spoken about scenario 3 often enough of late so I don’t think I need to rehash that any more beyond saying don’t be surprised when someone else picks up something you threw away.

But let’s move on to what I really want to rant about today, the first example I provided.

I don’t know where to begin listing the things my recently evicted neighbour has done. He smokes in the hallway, he screams profanity when he’s in a mood even if there’s no one around to listen, he leaves his door open and blasts loud music, he harasses guests of other tenants including hitting on women less than half his age, he does at least 2 kinds of illegal drugs, he sells used and likely stolen goods from the entrance to the building where he also drinks, he stinks, he clutters the common areas with his used and potentially stolen goods for long periods of time and I’m not just talking small things I mean couches, tables, and bikes going home is like passing through an obstacle course.

So when he gets his eviction notice after having been warned verbally and in writing by myself, another tenant, and the landlord and not doing anything about it what is his reaction? “Stop getting involved in my life!” he decries. “You’re all a bunch of jerks!” (including several expletives deleted) he shouts. “Well I don’t care what you post on my door, I’m not moving!” he yells.

Let’s break this down.

We complained that HE was interfering with OUR lives, his constant disruptions disturbed our sleep, social lives, and quiet enjoyment (read: TV shows). He would stop me in the hall or on the street and go on at length about his life, I would do everything I could short of being rude to avoid or end the conversation. I didn’t want to know, I still don’t. In fact you could say his being evicted was the ultimate in us “getting out of his life“. I doubt he’ll ever see it that way.

Does signing a petition started by a frustrated neighbour in the doing so of which I only state the truth make me a jerk? Look at it this way, I’ve never rung his bell or knocked on his door, not once. He’s rung my buzzer more frequently than all of my visiting guests combined…well, not if you count the pizza guys but that’s another issue entirely.

So he thinks he can defy a Notice To End Tenancy? That would be interesting to see…at a distance. My concern now is what he might do between now and the day he has to be out by, the end of August. And of course this is the busiest time of year for me with work. Talking to my other neighbour we figure if he gets out of line we’ll simply call the police as there isn’t anything the landlord can do once serving a Notice To End Tenancy. Looking at the Police website it seems most of the things he is likely to do, noise disturbances mostly I suspect, would be non-emergency calls and therefore a response is likely to be slow in coming, if it comes at all.

My neighbour made the observation that apparently this fellow is “known” to the police - I’ve been wondering what exactly that phrase means as it’s been in the news a lot lately. She told me about this time when she saw him handcuffed in front of the building after being taken down by officers. What did he do to warrant that I wonder? If the police are aware of his activities, have gone so far as to handcuff him why hasn’t he been made to face some criminal consequences?

He says that he’s on disability so that explains the strange hours he keeps as he doesn’t have a job. Although beyond alcoholism, drug addiction, and a seriously bad attitude I don’t know what disability he might claim to have. So he doesn’t have to work and he fights with police officers and yet he lives in the same building I do. In his delusion he doesn’t even see his eviction as being his fault. Has he ever had to face serious consequences for his actions?

I find police often take a less authoritative stance towards these kinds of situations. From my very limited experience they tend to issue warning after warning and it seems he has taken advantage of that. How far will he have to go before he’s held accountable for what he does? I hope I don’t have to find out.

I have resisted reality television far more than almost anyone I know. Yes, I slipped when I started watching Last Comic Standing but I watch that from another room as I do chores. And I have yet to see an episode of them in this house they keep referring to and I don’t even know when or on what channel the show airs. I was also pushed off the wagon when I was with the Mormon - what can I say, Survivor Thailand was a way for us to spend time together. But not once have I rooted for anyone or learned anyone’s name.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have failed you.

Not only did I watch large portions of America’s Got Talent but I found myself rooting for a particular group of performers called At Last. They are a group of Asian a capella vocalists that make me wonder if a resurgence of the Boyz II Men style might not be on the horizon. I could certainly live with that. These guys had talent, stage presence, and what’s more they had enough personality to give Warren a run for his money. I found myself sitting through the last block of commercials to see if they would win this round.

But it’s worse than that.

Far worse.

The thing is…

I voted.

Put down the pitch forks and let me explain. I didn’t call, I didn’t text. I didn’t do anything to give the show any money whatsoever. I voted on their website.

However my shame did not end there.

For you see, in order to submit your vote online you must provide your name, phone number, and e-mail. Fearing my vote may not be counted I actually provided my REAL name, number, and e-mail. I broke my strategic anonymity by obscurity defense perimeter.

But fear not, this is not the end of your champion against reality TV. While yes I am aware that the show and the results of this round will be on tonight at 9pm on NBC I will not watch them as I have plans.

However it does appear that I have been pulled into the abyss of reality TV at last.

And that’s The Wørd.

So yesterday an ex of mine came by to see me at work.

Okay, so she actually had work-related reasons to drop by but nevertheless we ended up chatting for hours. When I mentioned to my staff that we had dated for 2 years she was SHOCKED at the lack of animosity.

Could this being friends with the ex thing actually be a rarity? Are we some kind of massive exception to the rest of the universe? Or did we just stumble upon the perfect formula? Why did I remain friends with her and not others?

I think a big part of it was that no matter what happened, no matter what we went through we were at all times open and honest with each other. We never had any hidden agendas or secret plans. When we were together we really were together, sharing the ups and downs of life.

I suppose it also helped that she wasn’t too crazy.

I can’t really see myself being friends with Jenny or Dawna for example because they were simply too destructively nuts.

The Mormon and I get along well enough, she’s also married like the ex who visited, we chat amicably over msn on occasion but since she lives in another country it’s hard to be close friends.

I could also see myself being good friends with the girl from Ontario however she has yet to reply to my laser tag invite…

I don’t think it’s all that hard to become friends after breaking up with someone but I DO think it requires a few things.

I think the most important requirement is that neither person played any games during the relationship. If you got screwed over by the person how can you expect to be friends after wards if you weren’t treated with respect during the relationship. There has to be at least a foundation of respect. Keeping secrets, hidden agendas, and not being open and honest is a poor foundation for any kind of relationship be it romantic, friendly, or professional.

The next most important requirement is having a thick skin. If you can’t joke about the past then it’s very hard to move beyond it.

It’s also often helpful to have some time apart before pursuing the friendship. That way neither side ends up saying hurtful things because the wound is too raw to be civil.

None of these 3 requirements are hard and fast rules, they just worked for me once.

By the way, this is my 50th post in my blog.

The other day there was a man in the laundromat wearing a garbage bag. A yellow garbage bag. With no shirt underneath. I know this because yellow garbage bags are most unfortunately not a opaque as I would have liked just then.

I shared a commiserating look with the owner of the establishment and thought it best to leave it alone.

Twas not in the cards for me though I’m afraid. The gentleman decided to use the washer next to mine. Fair enough, I’ve had to deal with stranger strangers. He then asked me for 50 cents to make a phone call. I politely declined as per my earlier post ‘The Line Has To Be Drawn Here’. I further explained that phone calls “only cost 25 cents nowadays and what’s more, the laundromat has a phone that I’m sure they would let you use for free if you asked nicely“. He made no move to use their phone proving my theory that he was lying to me - seems my panhandler theory is proving correct thus far.

He then begins sniffing his bleach. After about a half dozen sniffs I genuinely believe he’s about to drink it. I’m all ready to call 9-1-1 when his eventual experimentation takes a potentially fatal turn when instead he turns to me and asks me to smell his bleach. Again, I politely decline.

My load is now done washing and ready for the dryer so I figure my bout of awkward conversation is over.

Ha.

Returning to the laundromat to retrieve my dry laundry I notice one load is still going while the other is done. As I’m taking my dry laundry out of the dryer and putting it into my special Ikea laundry bag the strange man asks “have you lost a grandmother recently?”

Great, he thinks he’s a psychic.

“Not that I’m aware of” I reply. Just as I’m about to make my escape from crazytown, my second load having finished drying he says “you look like my cousin“. I try to think of a polite reply that would not encourage further conversation but can’t come up with one so I just leave without replying. I had been very patient and treated him like a normal human being despite all evidence to the contrary, I was polite as the entire place watched me converse with the man in the garbage bag I felt I could get away with a wee bit of rudeness.

Just when I thought I might not have anything to blog about on Monday morning…

Once again the Internet changes how we access information and entertainment.

First it changed the way we communicate with the introduction of e-mail, ICQ and later it’s less-worthy successor MSN which was partly the subject of my honours thesis.

Then how we access music revolutionized care of mp3s and Napster. I remember a winter day in the latter half of the 90s when a friend sent me a 25 MB wav file of a Depeche Mode song over a 33.6k modem and I prophetically said to him, “if we could only compress this file more it would change everything“.

Blogging has also changed the way we communicate and had an impact on journalism.

As I’ve mentioned recently wikipedia has changed the way we look up information, it’s made knowledge for it’s own sake interesting and easily accessible. Frankly if my fascination with this service continues I think my IQ may go up…and my friend’s patience for me go down.

Then there was heavy.com which opened my eyes to the entertainment possibilities online, before they sold out of course. The Sabotage News Network was a proto-dailyshow and d.life the inspiration for my own road trip videos. Now this journey has taken another noteworthy step forward with YouTube.

I was recently linked to a music video on YouTube and decided to do a search for Pet Shop Boys that gave 7 PAGES of results including videos I had never seen before, live performances, interviews, TV appearances, and even a couple parodies including one about the world cup.

It could very well be the video equivalent of wikipedia. I wonder if they have the Zapruder film…

So I read another article on relationships that is the subject of today’s entry. This article addresses what to do in a breakup. It makes some good points but that doesn’t make for good blogging so let’s focus on the flaws, shall we?

He offers advice to both the dumpee and the dumper.

For the dumper he basically does a riff off of Wounded Animal Theory(tm) however he asserts that you should never talk to the ex again. He says if you don’t want to be in a romantic relationship with the other person you don’t want to talk to them ever again either. That seems a little too all-or-nothing to me. There’s got to be a happy medium. Granted not always but it IS possible. Just because you don’t love someone it doesn’t follow that you hate them, there is the possibility of a ‘like’ territory between the two. For example I was great friends with Eleana after we broke up…of course this required us not talking to each for about 6 months first and even then having thick skins but it worked well. Frankly if she wasn’t married now we’d probably still be pretty close. Heck, I wanted to be her Maid Of Honour but that’s another story…

On to the dumpee’s side of things…

In this case the author insists the dumpee “face facts” including…

• She wasn’t the love of your life
• You don’t want to be “just friends”
• It wasn’t a perfect relationship
• Love letters don’t show love they show manipulation and neediness
• The dumper is feeling guilty for hurting you, leave them alone

I think perhaps in the case of the dumpee the author might have gotten it right. Although I still think even if you don’t want to be “just friends” right away you may want to after some time has passed. His insight about love letters definitely makes a good point. Although I can’t help but notice his article, while addressing hurt, love, and sadness, doesn’t address what to do in the case when in the dumping a massive injustice has been perpetrated nor does it cover what to do if the dumper changes their mind after wards.

Perhaps I expect too much from my advice columns.

Recently someone made the observation that I was out of their league and this surprised and confounded me for a variety of reasons.

For one they’re more attractive than I am by far and had a wider variety of experiences.

I’ll admit I once dated a girl who I kind of thought of as beneath my league (good luck guessing who) and I once gave up on pursuing a girl who I thought was out of my league but beyond those two experiences the concept was just simply not something I considered.

What made me out of her league, I inquired. She said because I’ve “got it together“. Personally I thought such things would be determined by appearance or perhaps social status but this particular phrase has turned up several times over the last month or two so perhaps it bears looking into.

Due to a voluntary publication ban I can’t discuss the other recent uses of the phrase but I will risk running afoul of the ban by quoting the phrases “You seem to have everything under control and make it look so easy” and “I’ve never…admired or envied anyone they way I do you” as they’re relevant to the topic at hand and can be discussed without mentioning the source.

Warren once told me I make a phenomenal first impression on people but I honestly thought he was just being nice by saying that.

And there was also that “an amazing example of following your dreams” quote from the June post of the same name.

At the risk of inflating my ego I think that perhaps I really had no idea how other people saw me. Honestly I thought that to most I was the wacky guy that they tolerated. I know to certain individuals like Burton and Jon I meant more but I figured the average person saw me as weird. This may also explain why I seem to under-estimate Kim’s interest in spending time with me, it shocks the heck out of me whenever she expresses disappointment in me being busy.

Thanks to my family I was thoroughly convinced that most people didn’t respect the work that I did. Seriously, you can only hear “so when are you going to get a real job?” so many times before you start believing it, even if only just a little.

I live in a small, cheap apartment with crazy neighbours and I have neither a car nor a driver’s license - frankly I thought I might be just above ‘Object Of Pity’ on the social hierarchy.

Granted I’m doing well enough financially but that’s largely due to my minimalist existence and humble needs - lack of a car and expensive apartment helps too. Plus I thought only shallow people would view this as relevant. Yea, I’d agree that I “have it together” financially but other than that I see myself as as confused as everyone else or I’ve beaten a path so far off the radar it takes patience and a lot of explaining before people see where I’m coming from.

So how then did I end up in a league above someone to the point that they didn’t think they had a chance with me? Am I the only person who has trouble seeing this concept as anything but incredibly odd?

I could see the envy thing but even that I just figured was more because I found a way to survive on the money I make at a job I thought was fun. Like the guy who skips school but still gets a B in the class, not valued so much for being brazen or smart but just for getting away with it. I admit I often think of my job as just an extreme overtime period from the fun game of high school. This is ironic when you consider high school only lasts 5 years whereas I’ve worked for the same organization for 10 years.

Maybe I should take a little more pride in myself. Granted I despise people who go on about how great they are and am loathe to join their ranks but at the same time I’m all about knowing yourself, facing that which you doubt, and living in reality.

Even before this I DID acknowledge my strengths such as public speaking, story telling, and intermediate computer skills but I really just saw those as positive footnotes.

It might be interesting, perhaps in a future post, to attempt to list the different criteria that might go in to determining someone’s ‘league’. Please feel free to submit your suggestions for inclusion in this upcoming entry.

Peace out.

That’s what cool people say, right?

I didn’t feel like writing about secret CIA programs, people writing me for advice, or even wikipedia today - I simply wasn’t in the mood. So I’m farting about online when I come across 2 articles written in parallel about dating advice. One article was about how men can get women’s phone numbers and the other article was about why men settle down with some women and not others.

The first article was interesting, made some valid points, and in the end really just put common sense into specific relief.

The second article was meandering, self-absorbed, and took an eternity to get to the point.

I could make some gender-based generalizations here but I think I’d like to keep my various extremities, to say nothing of my date-ability, intact.

The second article posed the question “why do men settle down with some women and not others?” I had hoped this would be more interesting than that “how to get her number” article but I was in for a disappointment. The article doesn’t even BEGIN to address it’s own question until half way through. The first half was a self-aggrandizing list of things you shouldn’t do or think or say - not once providing an alternative or even much of a reason save repeating “men don’t think that way“. Well men, at least this one at any rate, don’t like lists of things NOT to do that do not include positive suggestions or alternatives in an ADVICE column - I suppose I shouldn’t judge too harshly as the article was written for women but I can’t believe the constant put-downs is healthy for any gender.

Basically the answer the article comes up with is that women make bad choices. That’s right, the answer to “why do men settle down with some women and not others?” had NOTHING to do with the men! The article made 2 interesting points that while completely off-topic from the proposed thesis made me think.

The first was that women choose men with “issues“. Apparently most women choose men with “issues” and think they can help turn them into better people. I sincerely hope this idea is as absurd as it sounds. I’m all for seeing the potential in people but really, if the things that matter to you aren’t there then why are you? More than that, if these “issues” hurt you in some way, get out now. Yes I have dated women who I saw potential in that had not yet been realized but that usually related to incidental stuff like their careers, not that these things aren’t important but they’re incidental to the relationship - they’re not WHY you’re there.

The other point the article made that caught my interest was that women need to be more discriminating when choosing a mate. In particular they need to look for someone who is “emotionally available“. I’m going to have a normal guy moment here and ask What the hell does emotionally available mean? I’ve checked Wikipedia and it doesn’t have an entry on the subject so I’m tempted to just claim it doesn’t exist and move on however Carrie kept referring to Big as “Emotionally Unavailable” and cited that as a major flaw in their relationship (if you don’t get the reference, get with it already). Now I’ll admit I see a lot of the Big character in myself. Is this something I should be concerned about?

Am I emotionally available?

If that means am I willing to discuss my feelings generally that’s a yes. I do however have days where I don’t feel like getting into the heavy stuff but that isn’t all that often. Wikipedia DOES have an entry for Emotional Isolation which I would think is the antonym for Emotionally Available. Emotional Isolation is simply defined as having no one to confide in. Well I don’t think that’s a problem. If I can’t talk to Burton, Jon, or Mindi there’s an army of folks on the internet ready to read about my woes. But does that make me emotionally available?

Perhaps it means allowing yourself to be emotionally affected by things. The last episode of Doctor Who almost made me cry, if anything I think I’m going too far in the opposite direction.

Does it mean available to be very emotionally giving? This might be the rub. I was recently dumped after all. I tend to focus on the mundane, I admit. I can be a romantic sap but you can’t force it. Anyone who has ever said “say something romantic” or “do something romantic” hang your heads in shame. Why not just demand someone be funny on command or “cheer up“? I won’t be your monkey if for no other reason than it wouldn’t be genuine and that does all of us a disservice. So yea, I’m a little hurt and maybe not as emotionally available as I could be (whatever that means) but I don’t think that should weed me out from the dating pool.

Don’t expect to fix me, but when I do come out of my shell you’ll know you’ve got the real thing and frankly I think that will mean more and be more rewarding. I think there’s a line between being patient and supportive versus trying to change someone and being manipulative - this article doesn’t make this distinction very clear.

The article also suggests men avoid talking about ANYTHING emotional because it’s “drama“. I know I’m not like most men but this is not the case, at least with me. Drama is unnecessary stuff like getting worked up about something that has nothing to do with you or inventing problems where they don’t exist or constantly harping on issues that should be dead and buried. Drama is what incomplete people cling to when nothing important is going on in their lives so they have something to talk about and a source of sympathy where it likely isn’t warranted.

The final conclusion of the article is that women who want to settle down need to be unpredictable. To me this makes about as much sense as sticking your tongue in an electrical pencil sharpener.

I mean, there’s the occasional bout of spontaneity that can be very attractive and perhaps make a guy feel like he’s in no danger of being in a rut but that’s not what this article is suggesting. This article suggests that you should behave oddly to the point that the guy wonders what the heck you’re thinking pretty much at all times. Let’s think about this for a bit because it sounds like a sick game to me. First they’re advocating you behave in a way you wouldn’t normally thus not being yourself and presenting a false image to the guy. If you don’t want to give up the ghost that means you’d have to play-act at this role for the rest of your life! But more basic than that, in the thought process of such advice columns, what is one of the most frequent complaints from men about women? That they don’t behave logically! That they confuse and confound and annoy us and we’re not complaining because it’s cute! It damned frustrating, often hurtful, and in the end NOT ATTRACTIVE.

Be a free spirit if you ARE a free spirit. Allow yourself to be yourself, stop reading these self-serving articles, and just be open and honest with your partner. Why do men and women play all these games? I have theory…

A women’s magazine advertises advice to improve your relationship and you think “Great! Who wouldn’t want a better relationship?“. Then you read the magazine and end up more confused and/or depressed than before. Either the magazine convinces you the relationship isn’t as good as you think or it convinces you that your partner means something other than what they are saying. So what do you turn to for help? More magazines. Books by magazine contributors or editors. Therapy. You name it. The point is, this is big business. If a magazine or online article could give you the perfect relationship you’d never need to buy the magazine again. The shrewd business person would in fact sabotage your relationship, life, diet, whatever to keep you coming back for the next quick fix or bit of common sense advice dressed up as insightful wisdom.

So please, when reading this claptrap think of it as a lark, don’t take it too seriously, and don’t go in with any further expectations than a laugh and maybe a fun idea for something to try.

Frankly I think the women’s article is lost in space but feel free to decide for yourself…

Why A Man “Settles Down” With One Woman And Not Another:

http://www.catchhimandkeephim.com/m/10886/articles/settles_down.asp

How To Get A Woman’s Phone Number And Email Address Within Three Minutes Of Meeting Her:

http://www.doubleyourdating.com/m/16839/articles/get_phone_number.asp

Recently I reported that a UN study found that 28% of the global population smokes (see ‘Statistical Analysis’) and I commented that it was unlikely that the figure would remain constant across different countries. Specifically I assumed war-torn regions and developing nations would be less likely to spend money on fatal non-essentials when they’re living ship-to-mouth and as a result artificially lowered the average. I also thought that Europe might be mitigating this deflation as they seem to smoke more. Well it turns out I was right that the average is not constant however I was wrong in my fear that Canada would be above the average.

My fault, I tried applying logic to aggregate human behaviour - I should have known better. And when it comes to smoking logic frequently does not apply.

It turns out only 19% of Canadians smoke, 9% less than the global average. I’ll take this as a further sign of hope. Not just that smokers are causing their own extinction but that hopefully the practice will become an anachronism before long. And once again providing proof that Canada is, if not leading the way, at least ahead of the curve.

“Fascism will come to America in the guise of National Security” - Jim Garrison

Alright, let’s do this thing…

If you saw JFK you know the only person charged in the Kennedy assassination was Clay Shaw (played by Tommy Lee Jones). During the Shaw trial, Garrison attempted to connect Shaw to the CIA. At the time, no hard evidence could be produced regarding any such connection. Subsequently, in 1979, Richard Helms (former director of the CIA) gave sworn testimony in a civil deposition which confirmed Shaw’s contact with the CIA prior to the Shaw trial. In addition, it has been discovered, through the Freedom of Information Act, that Clay Shaw had access to and clearance from the CIA to a CIA program called QKENCHANT. To date, there is no unclassified information concerning what the QKENCHANT program was about.

Who will save us from Fascism? Why, Wikipedia of course.

Wikipedia, also my source for the above information, has compiled a list of CIA codewords that have appeared in declassified documents. CIA codewords have two parts, the first two letters indicate a geographical or functional area for example a codeword beginning with AM relates to Cuba (AMQUACK is Che Guevara and AMTHUG is Fidel Castro).

It is not known what QK refers to.

JFK is the only US President with a known CIA codeword.

John F. Kennedy is GPIDEAL whereas Lee Harvey Oswald is GPFLOOR.

It is not known what GP refers to. However, these are the only two instances in which the prefix GP is known to have been used.

Creeped out yet?

If not, know this: BLUEBIRD, MKULTRA and MKSEARCH refer to Mind control research and MKDELTA, MKNAOMI, and MKOFTEN refer to the stockpiling of lethal biological and chemical agents.

Sleep well tonight.

I’ll likely revisit some of these points in more detail in a future post…assuming I don’t disappear. I feel like my CSIS file just grew by a third.

This post is a consumer warning to anyone who might be tempted by the “Congratulations - You’re the 1,000,000th Visitor!” banner that periodically appears at the top of this page.

First off let me assure you, you are NOT the millionth visitor as A) I highly doubt my humble blog gets that much traffic (I see this banner several times a week) and B) I am not running a counter on my blog so even I don’t know how many people have visited.

The banner further asks you to click to contact the awards department. There is no awards department. There IS however a website (https://www.ashoppingspree.com/us/default.asp?cp=DNC-Can-Ldr) set up by an organization called Travel Universal (also known as Universal Promotions) which also runs two other websites (www.universalpromotionsflorida.com and www.traveluniversal.net) and operates under 4 different mailing addresses.

This organization (I hesitate to call them a company as this implies more legitimacy than may be due) currently has an unsatisfactory record with the Better Business Bureau of West Florida (http://www.bbbwestflorida.org/commonreport.html?bid=90005609) who was not able to provide further information when contacted. A simple google search of either the name or address of this organization will reveal numerous horror stories for time share vacations gone wrong, some of the author’s complaints are legitimate and others less so but regardless I feel it my duty as your humble blogger to make you aware of these issues.

To clarify I have zero first-hand experience with these people and I am not advocating you immediately assume they are a scam, however they do lie to you twice in their initial advertisement and so I leave you with the oft repeated caveat: Buyer Beware.

Personally I prefer that banner where you shoot the ninja…I don’t even know where it links to but ninja’s just ASKING for it.

So I’m getting ready to leave a work function at 10:30pm when a coworker insists I take a taxi on the corporate account instead of public transit because it’s faster and safer.

Ha.

Half an hour after we call for 2 taxis the one for my coworker arrives and the driver says my taxi is just 5 minutes behind him.

15 minutes later, still no taxi for me. So I call the taxi company (Blacktop/Checker) and they say they had to route the call to Coquitlam taxi because they had no vehicles in the area, my taxi should arrive any moment.

Another 15 minutes later and still no taxi. I call again and they give me the number for Coquitlam taxi and tell me to call them because they can’t help me. I call Coquitlam taxi and they say the taxi is already here.

10 minutes later it actually arrives.

The driver pulls up, not wearing a seat belt and doesn’t know how to get where I’m headed. I give him directions which he only vaguely follows. Half way along he decides to put his seat belt on. I notice he has no ID displayed save something that reads “Bel-Air Taxi LTD. #64″ and the number had clearly been altered. The journey takes 35 minutes.

Let’s add this up shall we?

Time Spent Waiting: 1 Hour 10 Minutes

Time Spent In Taxi: 35 Minutes

Total Time Spent On Taxi Trip: 1 Hour 45 Minutes

Estimated Transit Travel Time: 1 Hour.

Sigh.

On my way home there is this square nondescript building with no windows and no identification save a number which does not appear to be it’s address. There are vents at the top but otherwise from my point of view the building has neither entrance nor exit. The building is surrounded by a sizable yard and fence that does not have a gate. The building is painted a neutral light blue and situated between two houses in a largely residential area and does not appear to be connected to any power lines.

But none of the above is what makes this building special.

Everything about this building has been designed with one goal in mind: to make it completely forgettable. Even noticing the building in the first place takes skill, but holding any memory of it in your mind is an almost impossible challenge. I would walk by this building every day, take a look at it and wonder to myself what purpose it served and then within seconds of looking away completely forget it’s existence. Sometimes I would unwittingly repeat the process several times in a single trip home. It was like a temporal loop…

*looks at building* What an odd building, I haven’t noticed that before. Hmmm, I wonder what it’s used for *looks away and instantly thinks of something else forgetting the building entirely, then looks back* What an odd building. Hmmm, I wonder who is inside. Have I noticed that building before? *looks away again, forgets building, looks back* Hmmm, what an odd building, not that it really stands out. I wonder what goes on there. *continues walking and within moments forgets the building once again*

It wasn’t until I had walked by this building twice a day for 2 years that I began to put the pieces together. Yes, I HAD seen that building before, how could I not have walked by it twice a day for 2 years and not seen it? And these thoughts feel VERY familiar…

I began making a concerted effort to remember the building. To ponder the possibilities even moments after looking away and failed miserably every time. It’s not that I am an overly forgetful person in the short term, when it comes to useless information I seem to have a facility to store and recall the data better than most. There were days when I had nothing else going on, nothing on my mind whatsoever, and yet still I could not concentrate on this building if I was not looking directly at it.

How could they, whoever they are, design a building to be instantly forgotten?

But I’m writing about it now aren’t I? How did I break the cycle of forgetfulness? I had two allies: A friend and my PDA. Walking by the building one day my friend looks up and says “what an odd building“. Having accepted my fate I said looking at the building, “don’t bother, you’ll forget it in an instant and never think of it again unless it’s in front of you“. I explained the meaning behind my words and we made an off-hand comment about how I should write about this building in my blog and moments later we had forgotten about the building and were talking about something else.

Later in the day I was thinking about a different topic for my blog when I remembered earlier in the day saying “I should write about that in my blog” but couldn’t for the life of me remember what “that” was. My friend and I were able to put the pieces together and reconstruct our memories of the conversation, I got out my PDA and took notes, it is those notes that I am basing this post on.

I wonder what the building could be. A secret CIA prison? An advanced weapons research facility? A Caramilk factory?

The possibilities are endless and fun to speculate about but what I really want to know is: Will this post still be here tomorrow?

No entry for today - I specifically promised not to write about what’s bothering me and frankly I’m so drained both physically and emotionally I don’t think I could even if I wanted to. I have revised the ‘Inbox’ post out of concern for people’s feelings.

So I’m channel surfing one day and I happen upon one of these guys expunging the virtues of herbal intestinal cleansing which is actually something I believe would do wonders but always seems to cost too bloody much. He starts talking about bowel movements of all things, he gets all excited talking about how the average person only goes about 3 times a week whereas apparently we should be going 3 times a day. I’ve never seen someone get so worked up over bowel movements.

I used to be a 3-times-a-week guy but then I took a job within walking distance of a Subway so now I’m once-a-day guy. Lately I’ve been several-times-a-day guy but I think that’s the heat. Overshare aside, he made an interesting point about how health officials say 3 times a week is average but never mention that it is far from ideal. I realize he’s just trying to sell his product but it’s an example of even medical professionals accepting the status quo when we should be striving for better.

In a recent post (see ‘Statistical Analysis’) I myself used the “everyone else is doing it” argument, although for good and not evil, but it gets one to thinking about how much we accept in life solely because it’s popular or even just common. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not about to become a health freak, I like my laziness and cognitive dissonance as much as the next guy, it just makes me think once again about the environment.

Far more important than our personal health as this has extinction-level consequences and we hardly put in a fraction of the effort we do into dieting for example. Just recycling some of your garbage is only marginally better than getting the Diet Coke with that Double Quarterpounder Super-Sized Combo. I’m not saying recycling is futile, I just think doing MORE should at least be as easy as a fad diet.

Sadly the alternative will eventually be being surrounded by crap on a daily basis.

And that’s The Wørd.

“You’ve grown very close” she said to me on the last day of a departing coworker and it hit me. We had. Wow. When did that happen? When did chatting about work over lunch become closeness?

I’ve said it before: I’m a frustrated music video director. Half the time I spend listening to music I’m directing a video in my head. On the way home from work that day with largely recent-ex-girlfriend-related music playing on my PDA I thought back over some of the times we spent together: My first return to my old workplace after having accepted a new position, going for lunch, standing in the rain telling her something she had waited to hear…it would’ve made for a pretty good video. I don’t know what the song would be, something happy and upbeat…

She was friendly, talkative, compassionate, straightforward, concerned but most of all I liked how I could tell her something totally weird and never get that “you’re crazy” look. We even once compared our OCD quirks - she was all about the even numbers whereas I like multiples of 5. She was perhaps the first person I felt completely comfortable with in my new department, a Calvin for a new generation - someone who in the end made me feel like I belong.

Bye Jen.

According to a recent study conducted by the United Nations only 28% of the global population smokes. While this still results in something like 1.68 billion smokers worldwide I take this as a bit of good news, sadly I would have thought the number a fair sight larger.

The study further found that only 4% of the global population (240 million) smoke marijuana. On this count I was even more surprised, again I would have expected a much higher number. This makes me wonder why decriminalization would be such as political issue - assuming these figures are consistent across nations (which I admit is most assuredly not the case) why would politicians waste their time, and therefore money, discussing something only 4% of the population cares about?

Lastly the study found that only 1% of the global population (60 million) consume other drugs. Considering that this would include heroin and Ecstasy I am again pleasantly surprised.

If nothing else this completely destroys the myth that “everyone else is doing it” - smokers and drug users are all firmly in the minority!

Even if every person who uses one of the above substances did not use any of the others that means collectively only 33% of the global population consumes these harmful substances. That means that two-thirds of the world is clean, just like me!

It’s nice to see this kind of behaviour is statistically provable to be ‘abnormal’. Recently I found myself at a party throughout which the other guests spent about 50% of their time talking about the use of one or more of these substances. I felt like a nonconformist outsider, not exactly unfamiliar territory for me, but having previously read this study I knew who’s view was more popular worldwide.

So the next time you feel like a buzz kill for not killing yourself slowly remember: everyone else is doing it! These abusers of their own bodies are the exception and not the rule.

Why is it that people generally only slow dance in high school and at weddings? I’ve been blessed enough to have been given 4 bonus rounds: 2 POPs, Eleana’s work Christmas party, and Burton’s 21st birthday gala but even still I think it’s sad there aren’t more opportunities. In today’s world it’s hard enough to find romance in the mundane and even when you do you run the risk of being lame, sappy, or derivative. Why take away one of the easy ones?

How romantic is grinding at a club? I know at pretty much any venue playing a slow song always runs the risk of emptying the dance floor but can you imagine what the world would be like if people slow danced more? Personally I think it would be a better place.

I recently watched the premiere of MuchMusic’s Fake & Date, it was a cute show and I couldn’t stop watching. One poor guy who was very shy got paired up with a demanding, impatient, self-absorbed girl and obviously things went badly. She accused him of not talking enough, being boring, and most importantly not making her feel special. Personally I thought she was out of line but she did make some good points. Take date shows for example, for the great introverted and inexperienced masses out there these could be the only source of clues on what constitutes a good first date: going behind the scenes at restaurant, going to a club, and retiring to a hot tub seems to be the trend. That is clearly an unreasonable (and perhaps even undesirable) expectation, the simple fact is restaurants who care about the health code aren’t about to let customers in the kitchen, if you ask me this is just a ploy to make it seem like an original idea for the date. Of course it’s original because you’re with a TV show, I doubt the rest of us could pull that off without the free advertising incentive (which I’m sure also makes the meal free). Frankly the effort that would take could be far better spent on something actually romantic. After all those shows, even Fake & Date did it with a sushi place, it’s become downright formulaic. At one point she asked him what he would plan for a second date if there were one. First off he took FOREVER answering (I was screaming answers at the TV myself, I think I need to stop investing so much emotion into my entertainment) and he finally said “take you to a nice restaurant and then dancing”. Wow. That may have been the longest pause before the most rote answer ever! How long does it take this guy to respond to “how are you?” with “fine” I wonder? Anyways the sad fact is many if not most guys would probably answer with something similar. I of course would already know the answer, would probably throw in something different like theatresports, but dancing would be a nice idea if clubs weren’t such a horrible place to take a date.

There’s the great hormonal masses that are likely to send a representative after your date at some point which is a definite mood, if not game, killer. Then there’s the atmosphere: drunk people, half-naked girls, and that ring of guys sipping beers leering at the women that seems to surround the dance floor shortly after midnight. Then a Christina Aguilera song comes on and everyone turns into a stripper. Don’t get me wrong I have tons of fun clubbing with friends and have even been known to grind myself from time to time (I don’t see nothing wrong…) but this all feeds into lust, not romance. Granted most of these factors can be mitigated by choosing a good club but it still is not what I’d call romantic.

It can be so easy to get caught up in the attractiveness, lust, and sex issues to make a relationship lose focus on the important stuff and the fact is those things don’t last or don’t completely fulfill if the deeper stuff is absent. Wouldn’t it be so much better if we could slow things down every now and then?

Here’s an alphabetical and far from complete list of slow songs I’d really like to dance to…
Bryan Adams - Please Forgive me
Dave Matthews Band - Crash Into Me
Janet Jackson - Again
Keith Sweat - Nobody
Madonna - Crazy For You
Monica - For You I Will
R. Kelly - Bump And Grind (I don’t see nothing wrong…)
R.E.M. - Everybody Hurts
Sarah McLachlan - Angel
Seal - Kiss From A Rose
The Way You Look Tonight (I wanna dance to this at my wedding, now I just need to find the girl…)
TLC - Red Light Special
Usher - Nice And Slow
Vanessa Williams - Save The Best For Last

Almost anything by Boyz II Men

I’m retro yo.

…which brings us to tonight’s wørd…Snot.

Why do we accept the colour green as perfectly normal to come out of our noses? When you blow your nose, and you’re not sick of course, that which is ejected is particulate matter that the hairs on the inside of your nose have prevented from being inhaled. It’s one of those quirks of evolution that protects us from potential harm.

Shouldn’t we be more concerned than we are that this is often green? What else do we associate the colour green with? That’s right after grass (or nature) and go comes RADIOACTIVE CONTAMINATION. Personally I’m grateful for the fine work those fine nasal hairs do to keep crap out of my lungs but I can’t help but think what we’ve done to our environment and accepted as a matter of course has made these guys’ jobs harder.

What they need is a union.

For those of you who think saving the environment is a trivial pursuit I have one thing to say: S’not.

And that’s The Wørd.