Giving Up
In relation to the ongoing story arc last updated in ‘Follow Up’…
I’m more and more thinking about giving up. I feel that I’ve given quite a lot, I certainly could have given more in terms of time, calls, PDAs (not the handheld devices), and her parents but I think on the whole I did a decent job of trying to achieve a balance. We spent a lot of time together, I paid for both of us often enough, I’d say I’m a fairly giving partner, and I frankly thought my gifts were thoughtful and pleasantly surprising. Well after all that giving I have one more thing to throw in: the towel.
Last night she admitted, without any prompting, to not doing a particularly good job with either herself or us in the last 2 weeks - it was nice to hear that she’s atleast somewhat aware of it. Sensing an atmosphere of honesty and openness I came clean on my feelings of being disrespected. She said she understood and had to go to bed. Admittedly she had already mentioned she had an early start the next day however a) she brought the subject up and b) a “I feel bad”, “you’re right”, or even a “we’ll talk about this later” would have been nice. Strictly speaking she did acknowledge my feelings by saying she understood but it still came off as rather dismissive.
I’m aware that I can on occasion be somewhat passive aggressive but in this case I was straightforward with my feelings and tried talking it out, I tried to give her a chance to talk about things. Either the offer was rejected or my timing was poor but either way the issues remain unresolved.
Before logging off she mentioned that she had talked to my best friend. I thought this odd so I asked her how he was doing, hoping the irony of having to get an update on the status of my best friend from my estranged girlfriend might prompt some sort of explanation - alas it either went over her head or she chose to ignore it. I’ll have to follow-up with him but I’m sure were it of any relevance he would have contacted me.
Another friend of mine suggests that she is just placating me and only cares about herself. I know her a bit better so I think it also possible that she simply doesn’t know how to react or wants to talk about it later but doesn’t want to “schedule a meeting” as she once did before (for which I complained - why say “we need to talk about something serious…in a week”?). There is of course the third possibility that she has simply written the situation off - to that I can relate.
A friend of mine asked “if someone were treating me this way what would YOU suggest I do?”. It was an interesting and surprising thought. I’m pretty sure I’d tell my friend to not put up with it any more.
My friend went on to observe, very perceptively, that I do not like to be alone. However, she continued, I am currently in isolation and suffering from abandonment. “Which fate is worse?” she challenged.
I think the question is even more fundamental than that: how can you be happy without respect? Self respect demands that I stand up. When putting your foot down doesn’t work I don’t think of it as a failing to admit to yourself that you may have only one choice: giving up.
And that’s The Wørd.
(sorry, despite the seriousness of the subject matter I couldn’t resist)
