Found Out
I would like to welcome my esteemed ex and her friend to my viewing public.
Seems I was tracked down via a link to my review of the new Pet Shop Boys album. Actually how I was tracked down doesn’t make the greatest amount of sense. They claim my Clubvibes profile linked to my Yafro account which in turn pointed them here. Yes, if you dig deep enough in discussion of my Yafro posting about the new PSB album there is a link here but there is nothing linking Clubvibes and Yafro, I was very careful about this because I didn’t want an ex of mine tracking me beyond Clubvibes. I am further confused because someone else has come forward as having encouraged her to read my blog. Not that any of this bothers me or anything, frankly I was surprised she hadn’t tracked me down when I first mentioned I had a blog, in fact I was a little disappointed she didn’t seem interested enough to ask for the address when I told her about it. No matter.
So it seems my blog has had an unexpected side effect, it seems after reading it she wants to get back together with me. Frankly I was expecting something more along the lines of “how dare you post our problems on the Internet!” or “you lying prick!” as I did simplify some of the details to make things easier for the layman to understand and that resulted in not completely accurate recounting of all events and for that I apologize. Clarifications or factual changes have been made to ‘Riddle Solved’, ‘The Other Shoe Drops…With My Foot In It’, ‘Left Behind’, and ‘Officially A Chump’ but I doubt you’ll notice a substantive difference. But yea, instead of screaming and throwing things like I had expected she’s changed her mind.
I’m glad that the equivalent of reading my journal made her perhaps think about how I felt and what I went through, an unexpected vindication of sorts. I mean really, who, days after breaking up with someone, would suddenly be interested in seeing things from the other person’s point of view? Gotta give credit for that.
Here are some reactions to recent developments…
“B*llsh*t you’re everything to her, if that was true none of this would have happened”
Can’t dispute that.
“She’s playing on your emotions”
Maybe so.
“She’s trying to make you out to be the bad guy by forcing you to end things”
Maybe but why would that matter, she was pretty unapologetic about what happened when we broke up, why would it matter now? If she gave a damn about what other people thought of her she wouldn’t have done it in the first place. It seems to be too much effort for that to be the only reason - I mean how many people know what she did and how she hurt me? Were we to get back together she’d have to face all those people and that can’t be easy. Maybe my blog activated her conscience? Perhaps she switched places with her duplicate from the parallel dimension again so the girl I met initially is back again? Not likely…
“Her stories are changing every day, how can you believe any of it?”
Indeed, I keep wondering how things will change today. In my old job changing stories always meant one thing: lying. Does that still hold true for my personal life?
“How can you trust her again after she so clearly and so willingly hurt you? She knew what she was doing, you told her, so it was intentional and deliberate. You say you’re just mad, insulted, and disrespected but those are all forms of hurt. You can’t tell me she didn’t hurt you and you can’t tell me it wasn’t on purpose. How can she possibly hope to regain your trust after that?”
Not easily, I can tell you that.
“She wants you back? Uh, that’s totally non-negotiable”
So far all but one person I’ve spoken to agrees with you.
“I think perhaps she does genuinely wanna get back with you, if at least to assuage her guilt over the way she treated you. I think perhaps the best course of action would be to just totally step away from all of this for a while, focus on yourself and what you want to do that doesn’t involve any of this drama…basically recharge your emotional batteries, and then see how you feel after that”
Your idea has merit.
“I think she didn’t know she had it so good, and if she spends the rest of life regretting screwing up with you then that’s the least she deserves…I hope she gets the job in the UK, that way you’re less likely to have to deal with her”
Believe me, I know where that anger comes from. Perhaps I need to rise above the anger…
“Refuse. Tell her that you don’t want to jump back into a relationship that you
just got out of when one person in that relationship is going to be going to
wherever it is she’s going for however long she’s going there. Do you really
want to be filler for her?”
Indeed.
“You both have valid complaints about each other’s treatment. Have you both meet with list in hand as to what hurt you and why, and actually listen to each other…”
I have yet to hear anything about her being hurt. Beyond minor inaccuracies and ambiguous statements in my blog I haven’t heard anything about her being hurt at all, not by me at any rate. Oh I’ve heard about pressure from visitors, family, work, friends, and cops but of all the reasons she’s given for breaking up with me (moving away with her ex, having nothing in common, not wanting a long distance relationship, the police, etc.) I haven’t heard anything emotional whatsoever. It’s all been about what she wants, or what’s convenient for her, or what’s going on in her life separate from me. Frankly I see the breakup as having very little to do with me, and given that I wasn’t in the loop when it happened that doesn’t really surprise me. If I hurt her at all it was because I stood up for myself and held up a mirror. If a reflection hurts you do you blame the mirror?
“There is nothing wrong with mutually acknowledging that the relationship just might be over”
Or admitting that perhaps, on an emotional level, it never really existed?
“Either she really wants you back…or she wants to come out squeaky clean…or
she wants to do both…or she wants to do something entirely different…I’m
coming up with different scenarios all the time, because she’s coming up with different
excuses all the time…”
You and me both, I just wish I knew what her true motivations were in all of this. Not just now but before.
“Best just to wash your hands of her, if you ask me”
I don’t know if I can do that, be that cold. It reminds me of a different quote, “It’s not you I hate Cardassian, I hate what I became because of you” -’The Wounded’ (TNG)
“You continually make attempts to make her comfortable, even after you
two split up”
Well I did offer to avoid parties thrown by mutual friends but I doubt making her face the truth made her very comfortable…why did I do that if not to mend fences? I sincerely hope I’m not so petty as to do that simply as some form of revenge. MAYBE as a method of reclaiming some dignity but I honestly think I did it for more noble reasons. Giving her useful insight, emotional honesty, trying to make things better…
What’s sad is that I feel I get more revealing and straightforward answers asking strangers for interpretations and advice than when I talk to her. I hope she, or anyone on her behalf, doesn’t get mad about me seeking out advice and discussing it here - the comments quoted are all anonymous and in the end they’re just vessels for me to share what I’m feeling. Besides if my blog got me this far…why mess with what works?
Speaking of quotes, here are two that have been lodged in my brain since last night…
“You must retreat now
I just can’t talk anymore
Your words make me empty inside
There’s nothing left of you
Time seems to change
The thoughts I had for you”
Bashir: You gave me answers, all right. But they were all different. What I want to know is…of all the stories you told me, which ones were true and which ones weren’t?
Garak: My dear Doctor, they’re all true…
Bashir: Even the lies?
Garak: Especially the lies.
Regardless of this public airing out of my thoughts and feelings the final resolution WILL be private.
