Grazing Rites

Well I feel like crap. I know it wasn’t what she wanted to hear. All I did was tell the truth and she took it well but nevertheless this stuff is never easy. I hate disappointing people but lying is hardly a viable alternative. It would be easier if I was still mad I suppose, but when you’re angry it’s hard to be fair and rational but when the time comes to give less-than-good news a little righteous indignation would make the whole process a little easier to swallow, if virtually impossible to do properly.

Let’s open this to the floor…

“I like the blog…something very courageous about laying it all out like that”

Well at least there’s some nobility in what I do…

“I am pleased that you are considering giving her a chance, even if it’s to be friends to begin with. I’ve always been a firm believer that everyone deserves a second chance.”

Yea, me too. There are a few things that cross that line but I don’t believe she has done those particular things.

“It would be hard to trust someone again, after they’ve broken that trust. As they say, “Fool me once, shame on you; Fool me twice, shame on me”. Just try not to use power over her coming to you by misusing her guilt.”

So don’t ask for the watch is what you’re saying?

“The ball is in your court, yet you still don’t know exactly why she wants you back, and therefore, you will always be thinking of whether or not she’s thinking of doing it again”

Yea, ball’s bounced back into her court for now though. Stupid ball, I didn’t want to play with it anyways.

“I’ve always liked her, and had hoped you both were going to become permanent, but, given the scenario here, maybe she’s just going through a really tough confusing time in her life.”

It’s not that I don’t have sympathy for what she’s going through, I’m just tired of getting trampled all over with the excuse of ’she’s inexperienced’, ’she’s younger’, or ’she’s going through a lot of stuff right now’ completely invalidating my suffering. I’m tired of it. I treat everyone like equals but when I’m treated like crap suddenly I’m not being understanding enough. I’m tired of it.

Y’all seem to be flip-flopping a bit here. One minute you’re all ‘don’t trust her, she’s playing games, get out now’ and the next you’re all ‘I really liked her, I thought you’d be together forever, I’m glad you’re giving her a second chance’. Seems like some of your opinions change with the tides. Well lucky for me I made this decision by myself.

Not that I don’t appreciate the input but seriously, some of you are either pussy-footing around or just not telling the whole story. Don’t hedge your bets, just tell me the whole story and let the like chips fall where they may - it’s more honest. Even when we were together I don’t care if you say you dislike my girlfriend, I’m not going to get angry or behave any differently. I just hate having to guess. No more guessing games for awhile, I mean it. I’ve had my fair share for quite a while. Just say what you mean.

Getting back to her for a moment…after stating my position last night she started to tell me some of what’s been going on. I feel bad for her, assuming it’s true, but seriously, when you’re facing a difficult time, emotionally and legally, why would you push someone away who cares about you? Why would you deny yourself their support? That sh*t’s messed up, yo.

I would like to welcome my esteemed ex and her friend to my viewing public.

Seems I was tracked down via a link to my review of the new Pet Shop Boys album. Actually how I was tracked down doesn’t make the greatest amount of sense. They claim my Clubvibes profile linked to my Yafro account which in turn pointed them here. Yes, if you dig deep enough in discussion of my Yafro posting about the new PSB album there is a link here but there is nothing linking Clubvibes and Yafro, I was very careful about this because I didn’t want an ex of mine tracking me beyond Clubvibes. I am further confused because someone else has come forward as having encouraged her to read my blog. Not that any of this bothers me or anything, frankly I was surprised she hadn’t tracked me down when I first mentioned I had a blog, in fact I was a little disappointed she didn’t seem interested enough to ask for the address when I told her about it. No matter.

So it seems my blog has had an unexpected side effect, it seems after reading it she wants to get back together with me. Frankly I was expecting something more along the lines of “how dare you post our problems on the Internet!” or “you lying prick!” as I did simplify some of the details to make things easier for the layman to understand and that resulted in not completely accurate recounting of all events and for that I apologize. Clarifications or factual changes have been made to ‘Riddle Solved’, ‘The Other Shoe Drops…With My Foot In It’, ‘Left Behind’, and ‘Officially A Chump’ but I doubt you’ll notice a substantive difference. But yea, instead of screaming and throwing things like I had expected she’s changed her mind.

I’m glad that the equivalent of reading my journal made her perhaps think about how I felt and what I went through, an unexpected vindication of sorts. I mean really, who, days after breaking up with someone, would suddenly be interested in seeing things from the other person’s point of view? Gotta give credit for that.

Here are some reactions to recent developments…

“B*llsh*t you’re everything to her, if that was true none of this would have happened”
Can’t dispute that.

“She’s playing on your emotions”
Maybe so.

“She’s trying to make you out to be the bad guy by forcing you to end things”
Maybe but why would that matter, she was pretty unapologetic about what happened when we broke up, why would it matter now? If she gave a damn about what other people thought of her she wouldn’t have done it in the first place. It seems to be too much effort for that to be the only reason - I mean how many people know what she did and how she hurt me? Were we to get back together she’d have to face all those people and that can’t be easy. Maybe my blog activated her conscience? Perhaps she switched places with her duplicate from the parallel dimension again so the girl I met initially is back again? Not likely…

“Her stories are changing every day, how can you believe any of it?”
Indeed, I keep wondering how things will change today. In my old job changing stories always meant one thing: lying. Does that still hold true for my personal life?

“How can you trust her again after she so clearly and so willingly hurt you? She knew what she was doing, you told her, so it was intentional and deliberate. You say you’re just mad, insulted, and disrespected but those are all forms of hurt. You can’t tell me she didn’t hurt you and you can’t tell me it wasn’t on purpose. How can she possibly hope to regain your trust after that?”
Not easily, I can tell you that.

“She wants you back? Uh, that’s totally non-negotiable”
So far all but one person I’ve spoken to agrees with you.

“I think perhaps she does genuinely wanna get back with you, if at least to assuage her guilt over the way she treated you. I think perhaps the best course of action would be to just totally step away from all of this for a while, focus on yourself and what you want to do that doesn’t involve any of this drama…basically recharge your emotional batteries, and then see how you feel after that”
Your idea has merit.

“I think she didn’t know she had it so good, and if she spends the rest of life regretting screwing up with you then that’s the least she deserves…I hope she gets the job in the UK, that way you’re less likely to have to deal with her”
Believe me, I know where that anger comes from. Perhaps I need to rise above the anger…

“Refuse. Tell her that you don’t want to jump back into a relationship that you
just got out of when one person in that relationship is going to be going to
wherever it is she’s going for however long she’s going there. Do you really
want to be filler for her?”
Indeed.

“You both have valid complaints about each other’s treatment. Have you both meet with list in hand as to what hurt you and why, and actually listen to each other…”
I have yet to hear anything about her being hurt. Beyond minor inaccuracies and ambiguous statements in my blog I haven’t heard anything about her being hurt at all, not by me at any rate. Oh I’ve heard about pressure from visitors, family, work, friends, and cops but of all the reasons she’s given for breaking up with me (moving away with her ex, having nothing in common, not wanting a long distance relationship, the police, etc.) I haven’t heard anything emotional whatsoever.  It’s all been about what she wants, or what’s convenient for her, or what’s going on in her life separate from me. Frankly I see the breakup as having very little to do with me, and given that I wasn’t in the loop when it happened that doesn’t really surprise me. If I hurt her at all it was because I stood up for myself and held up a mirror. If a reflection hurts you do you blame the mirror?

“There is nothing wrong with mutually acknowledging that the relationship just might be over”
Or admitting that perhaps, on an emotional level, it never really existed?

“Either she really wants you back…or she wants to come out squeaky clean…or
she wants to do both…or she wants to do something entirely different…I’m
coming up with different scenarios all the time, because she’s coming up with different
excuses all the time…”
You and me both, I just wish I knew what her true motivations were in all of this. Not just now but before.

“Best just to wash your hands of her, if you ask me”
I don’t know if I can do that, be that cold. It reminds me of a different quote, “It’s not you I hate Cardassian, I hate what I became because of you” -’The Wounded’ (TNG)

“You continually make attempts to make her comfortable, even after you
two split up”
Well I did offer to avoid parties thrown by mutual friends but I doubt making her face the truth made her very comfortable…why did I do that if not to mend fences? I sincerely hope I’m not so petty as to do that simply as some form of revenge. MAYBE as a method of reclaiming some dignity but I honestly think I did it for more noble reasons. Giving her useful insight, emotional honesty, trying to make things better…

What’s sad is that I feel I get more revealing and straightforward answers asking strangers for interpretations and advice than when I talk to her. I hope she, or anyone on her behalf, doesn’t get mad about me seeking out advice and discussing it here - the comments quoted are all anonymous and in the end they’re just vessels for me to share what I’m feeling. Besides if my blog got me this far…why mess with what works?

Speaking of quotes, here are two that have been lodged in my brain since last night…

“You must retreat now
I just can’t talk anymore
Your words make me empty inside
There’s nothing left of you
Time seems to change
The thoughts I had for you”

Bashir: You gave me answers, all right. But they were all different. What I want to know is…of all the stories you told me, which ones were true and which ones weren’t?
Garak: My dear Doctor, they’re all true…
Bashir: Even the lies?
Garak: Especially the lies.

Regardless of this public airing out of my thoughts and feelings the final resolution WILL be private.

It’s game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals and the announcers have quotes from famous people at the ready - it seemed a little rehearsed and awkward to me but I suppose credit should be given for the effort. And again the puck begins bouncing in the Edmonton zone within the FIRST MINUTE of the game, I swear the visitor ice in Raleigh had been intentionally fatigued. Carolina resumed their strong fore checking with Edmonton less so, this was how they lost most of the other times in this series.

I was greatly impressed with Smyth’s stick handling, it was downright globetrotter-like. I also noticed the Edmonton defense firmed up after the first goal, they, like me, refuse to let the game be decided by the first 2 minutes. And again there was a funny bounce behind the Edmonton net, the evidence builds in my conspiracy theory. The ‘Stall’ puns are fun, if a little overdone. And again, first 2 minutes of the second period with Carolina in the visitor’s end the puck starts bouncing for no reason!

As the game progressed the announcers moved on to quoting Shakespeare…something about that seems very Canadian to me. I can’t believe the passes to no one that Edmonton keeps perpetrating; what was a silver platter not available to present the cup to Carolina on?

Also what was the deal with the waving of random nations’ flags in the crowd? Unless I was mistaken I saw the same guy wave first a Czech Republic and then Brazilian flag, is this a World Cup thing? If so, you’re at the wrong event buddy. Maybe it had something to do with the nationality of certain players? I dunno, it’s hockey - keep your grabs for attention simple! Most people watching have had a few after all…

It was as if at the beginning and end of the 2nd period Edmonton woke up and realized they were playing for the cup, sadly they seemed to forget throughout much of the rest of the game. I mean, if they had tried their best and lost that I could accept but this is just sad. Right after Pisani scored they cut to a shot of his parents in the crowd - they looked scared for their lives! Not that I can blame them, if my kid had just scored against the home team in game 7 of the Stanley cup finals I’d be watching my back too.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Edmonton needs to fore check more and with more intensity. It looks to me as if Edmonton saved their energy for the 3rd period but then slowed down about half way through, just as Caroline sped up.

Sigh.

Note: In case you haven’t noticed often posts come out long after they are initially written. This is due to the fact that, with the exception of special announcements (such as ‘Boldly Download’), I am limiting myself to 1 post per day so if writer’s block strikes I can have sufficient ideas in the pipeline to cover me for a few days. And of course when drama strikes it’s topical relevance causes it to jump the queue.

I came in 5 minutes into the third period with Edmonton up 3-0. It does my heart good to see that, as a coworker I’ve come to care about really gets into it, she really deserved to have something go her way. I don’t know what happened while I was gone but I’m happy. I’m also glad to see the power play finally working for Edmonton. Edmonton’s intensity is way up and I think we have Mr. McTavish to thank. It’s not unfair to say Edmonton had to change their entire game plan after the loss of Rolosen and that couldn’t have been easy.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if everything in life was decided like a Simon Cowell show?

Lunch
Simon: Mr. Big Mac, do you even know what meat is?
Paula: I think he’s cute, that bit of lettuce is ironic, it’s hilarious
Randy: I think the price is good, accurately reflects his qualities

Buying A Car
Paula: I like the color
Randy: Good fuel efficiency
Simon: You’d need the jaws of life to get me into that thing

How You Die
Simon: Hit by a bus?! Don’t you think you should have gone with something more original?
Paula: *sobs uncontrollably*
Randy: I’d like to see it again

Who You Marry
Simon: Are you a woman? Frankly with that chest I can’t tell
Paula: I think she’s sweet
Randy: I’m sorry, I have to go with Simon on this one *high fives Simon*

I’ve never actually watched American Idol, did I capture their essence? I admit this is not my best work, submit yours!

I wanted to leave recent drama behind me partly for you good readers who have put up with it for so long however some questions were still coming in that I think it would save time to address them here…

“Are you upset?”
I’m not upset THAT we broke up, I’m upset HOW we broke up. I felt as if insult was piled upon insult, the crap I went through completely disregarded, and me made a chump - I may not have been the last to know but I’m pretty sure I wasn’t one of the first 3.

“How do you compare to her ex that’s she running away to Europe to live with but alledgy not getting back together with?”
Well he’s heavier than I even before my diet and almost never talks to anyone but his best friend. The fact is she NEVER wants to talk about her feelings save the occasional meeting. Since this guy barely talks perhaps it’ll work, they can live their lives in near silence. That kind of life is certainly not for me.

“How do you feel about finding out what she was planning from her screenname?”
How do you think I feel? Pretty pissed off and insulted, it’s almost worse than text message. However I suppose it is par for the course, when we were together the only clues I got about how she felt was through her msn screennames anyways, seems fitting it should end that way.

“Do you think maybe she was using you like training wheels to go back to her exboyfriend with more experience?”
I don’t think so. At worst, not to sound immodest, it may have been lust as she was interested in the phyiscal side of things more than I was at the time and even complained last Christmas about that. Or it’s simply possible she used me as companionship instead of doing the long distance thing with the person she really cared for - the mormon did something like this. Perhaps I was a placeholder or intermission of some kind. Frankly 3 weeks ago I never would have thought her capable of any of this but that was before she let her plans to move to Europe with the ex she asked me to help keep from annoying her slip in her screenname. Regardless of the senario, plans, or intentions I am still very, very mad.

“Maybe she’s just rebounding with the ex”
Yea, rebounds happen AFTER a break-up, not before.

“Maybe she just wants a clear conscience in case anything happens in the UK”
Sadly this probably represents a best case senario, but the end result is all the same so what does it matter just how badly she screwed me?

What this all distills down to is that she ended things with a slap to the face. I’m glad it’s over as I wanted out anyways but I’m angry and I’m probably going to be angry for awhile. I’m not used to that as I normally don’t stay angry for very long but disrespect and being played/used really bothers me especially when I can’t do anything about it. So yes I’m okay, no I won’t be listening to sad music and crying, I’m just going to be angry and that really is the extent of how upset I’ll be - I know myself well enough to say that. Indignity is my enemy now, not loneliness - I have too many great friends for that to be a problem.

Will I be jumping back into another relationship? I leave that to fate. For now just expect songs like ‘I’m With Stupid’, ‘How Can You Expect To Be Taken Seriously?’, ‘A New Life’, ‘This Must Be The Place I Waited Years To Leave’, and most fittingly ‘I Made My Excuses And Left’ to feature prominently in my playlists.

In ‘You’ve Got Mail’ Tom Hanks’ character Joe Fox says “The Godfather is the I Ching, the sum of all wisdom”.

Well, move over grandpa.

Before beginning I felt I should look up I Ching to make sure I was using it properly in the most logical and ironic reference available: Wikipedia.

It says “In Western cultures, the I Ching is regarded by some as simply a system of divination; many believe it expresses the wisdom and philosophy of ancient China.” Okay, so it’s NOT the Autobot Matrix of Leadership but for the purposes of this metaphor, it’ll do.

Here are some examples of the knowledge Wikipedia dropped on me:

-The cause of the sound distortion at the beginning of my copy of the first episode of the new Doctor Who

-David Tennant, the latest Doctor Who, chose his stage name as an homage to Neil Tennant of the Pet Shop Boys

-A proper translation of ‘All Your Base Are Belong To Us’ (THAT’S what a zig is?!)

-The chick from Windfall was Sara in season 4 of 24 (IMBD dropped the ball on that one)

-Wikipedia’s entry for Penny Arcarde includes a copy of the comic in which they mock Wikipedia (now THAT’S class)

-The real names and life story behind the Penny Arcade authors

-The voice of Jazz from the original transformers passed away

-Megatron couldn’t be a gun in later Transformers incarnations because of new laws governing toys for children

-Breast fetishism can become unhealthy

-Kemocite was not only used in the Xindi weapon but made time travel possible in ‘Little Green Men’ (DS9)

-Burnaby began as a transportation corridor between Vancouver and Port Moody

-Where all the things from Expo86 were sold off to

-Despite my affinity for the group, the fact the Pet Shop Boys’ entry is just too long to read (as is I Ching’s)

-’New York City Boy’: considered a “gay” song along with ‘It’s A Sin’, ‘Being Boring’, and ‘Metamorphosis’ (okay, I’ll give you that last one)

-Craig Kilborn never wrote any of his material when hosting The Daily Show

-The Daily Show was specifically created to fill the void left by Politically Incorrect as is said to have been inspired by ‘Weekend Update’, ‘TV Nation’, and ‘This Hour Has 22 Minutes’ (all of which I like or absolutely love)

-Proof that if there is a God, he took a nap: After the departure of Stephen Colbert from The Daily Show Rob Corddry has the most correspondent screentime, effectively becoming the lead correspondent

-Ed Helms of The Daily Show is often confused with Stephen Colbert

-Lewis Black is getting his own show! The second spin-off of The Daily Show, The Red State Diaries is set to premiere sometime this year!

-When Stephen Colbert was 10 years old his father, who was a doctor, and two of his older brothers, died in the crash of Eastern Airlines Flight 212 on September 11, 1974. (Creeped out yet?)

-The REAL Stephen Colbert, not the character from his show, is a self-described Democrat (anyone surprised?)

-Ratings for The Colbert Report soared 37% in the week following his 2006 White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner speech

The list goes on…try it out, it’s endlessly amusing AND, on occasion, educational.

Ready for Trivial Pursuit?

So get this, I finally solved the riddle: she broke up with me. Seems like she just wanted us to “grow apart” without a breakup so she treated me like crap for weeks on end. I finally figured out why she was being such a cow when her screenname hinted that she’s trying to move to the UK to live with her ex. Turns out she’s never broken up with someone before, this is the way she’s always operated apparently. I guess I’m strange in wanting to be told when I’m single and have been “for some time”.

In cooperation with New Voyages (if you don’t know who they are go here IMMEDIATELY: http://www.startreknewvoyages.com) a new 3-part webisode miniseries has been announced: ‘Of Gods And Men’

Now I’m generally leery of fan-produced series however New Voyages has definitely captured my interest (I’m practically counting the days until ‘To Serve All My Days’ is released) and check out who’s involved in the project…

Actors
Nichelle Nichols as Uhura
Walter Koenig as Chekov
Alan Ruck as John Harriman
Tim Russ as Tuvok
Garrett Wang (Harry Kim)
Chase Masterson (Leeta)
Grace Lee Whitney (Janice Rand)
Gary Graham (Soval)
Crystal Allen

Director
Tim Russ (’Roddenberry On Patrol’ - a cute short film)

Writers
Jack Trevino and Ethan H. Calk (Deep Space Nine)

As phenomenal as this news is the two most exciting points for me are 1) that it’s set in the post-Kirk time of Enterprise-B and 2) Captain John Harriman is being reprised by Alan Ruck. Why is this important? Well personally I support the idea of a series or movie about the adventures of Excelsior which is about the same time frame. As well I’d like to see more of the B. But most encouraging is Alan Ruck’s involvement. Sadly everyone else could be accused of trying to recapture their glory days, however I sincerely doubt Alan Ruck is most known from Generations. Ferris Bueller and Spin City were his big moments. This to me is a sign that successful actors still in demand or with achievements beyond Star Trek are interested in being a part of something like this. How long before Jeffrey Combs gets a recurring character on New Voyages I wonder?

I realize Gary Graham is also more well known for Alien Nation however it’s also in the SciFi genre and frankly I wasn’t a fan - however Alan Ruck’s performances in Ferris Bueller and Spin City I absolutely loved.

The movie’s Web site is www.startrekofgodsandmen.com.

Given the number of professional actors involved in so many aspects of the project is it still accurate to call it “Fan-based” or would “Actor-based” almost be more appropriate?

I was so excited I could barely sleep last night. I know, I’m both a nerd and a child.

It seems my situation (see ‘inbox’) has spawned a whole discussion group. Here are a couple noteworthy comments that were passed along to me…

“She treats him like a child would a toy…cling to it when the mood hits, and then chuck it aside when the child doesn’t have any use for the toy”
I’m not sure that I agree with this statement. To be fair there are probably times when I feel or behave that way towards her. Although I have felt like I’ve been treated as somewhat less than human of late.

“She has this almost casual disregard for him”
Now THIS makes sense. Casual disregard…can I use that? Thus far I’ve been sent away, replaced, forgotten, emasculated, ignored, disrespected, used, commanded, set aside…you get the idea.

“Watch?”
Oh, my one year anniversary gift is still pending. She told me she had returned it but apparently this is still in the works. It’s been nearly 2 months now. Carrot and stick anyone?

“You don’t want to be the one to end it”
Who does?

I had an epiphany regarding recent cross-dimensional antics (see ‘Parallel Dimension’). If I had crossed over why would my blog still record things as I remember them? That leaves only one possibility: She’s from the parallel dimension or alternate timeline!

Moving on…

Recent posts have received some interesting feedback…

“Don’t you think your Blog is a little too private for such a public place?”
Probably. But here’s the thing, if I can’t talk about it with her how else am I to get a reality check, and besides it’s a pain in the ass having to tell the same story over and over. Back in high school when faced with a problem I would write exactly what I was feeling, without censorship, down and share it with my friends and I would get feedback that helped and if nothing else I was being emotionally honest - back then we called it ‘Documentation’. What it basically boils down to in this situation is that I need to feel as if I am making some kind of progress: getting a reality check, making sure I’m not out of line, refining my ideas/thoughts/feelings, etc. However you do make a good point and I have since removed one overly personal comment from my previous post.

“It is strange that she’s talking to your best friend”
I investigated this, turns out she wanted to know if he’d be in town when she took the UK trio to visit despite me already having told her he wouldn’t be. So now the questions become why did she ask if she already knew the answer and was she planning on taking the UK trio to visit my best friend without me? And if so, why?

“You should make a Pros and Cons list”
Pros
-Companionship
-Watch
-Fun Activities (Cultus, Bowling, etc.)
-Not Lonely
-Physical Intimacy
-Easier Argument
Cons
-No Self Respect
-Loss Of Respect Of My Friends
-Disrespect
-Frustrated
-Lack Of Clarity/Feedback
-Future Arguments
How say you?

“Both of you have valid complaints”
True but I hardly think a lack of PDAs and phone calls is on par with disrespect, they’re on completely different levels. Plus I’ve been working on the things she’s complained about, by and large it seems she’s ignoring my concerns.

“I do kinda like her, except ‘I’m a bitch’ her. She sounds scary.”
This comment came from someone very picky. I was very surprised because frankly before this comment I thought he didn’t like her and thought I could do better.

“And like your blog says, you can’t be alone”
Whoa, hold on there. It’s not that I CAN’T be alone, it’s that I prefer not to be. I’m not Jerry Maquire over here. There are some things more important than companionship (like, if I may continue to flog the dead horse, respect).

“I don’t think you would suffer from abandonment issues though”
Agreed. I was quoting someone else when I said that.

“Yeah, I like her. She’s a little different from any of the other girls you’ve had before, but I don’t not like her”
Interesting, I would really like to know what sets her apart. Before stuff like this I would have expected the answer to be because she was the nicest - boat’s sailed on that one I think.

“I would even go as far as saying that I would hang out with her in a social setting”
Um, is this your way of saying if we break up you want her number? If memory serves you said she wasn’t attractive enough for you to sleep with her…

“I’m suggesting that you make her realize that things are not alright and she either sits down, talks about it, and makes them right or it’s over. Basically, give her an ultimatum.”
Ooooooooooh, that’s good. How about ‘I feel like I’m being disrespected, taken for granted, and my feelings are being ignored. I have one foot out the door, can you give me a reason to stay?’?

(in reference to the previous piece of viewer mail) “Would he want to do the same were he in your situation?”
Well Reader, what do you say to that?

“Respect is something that can be worked on, if you still like her. Do you still like her or would you just be keeping her around for the sex? Or just because it feels safe?”
Well it isn’t the sex…

As for still liking her it’s difficult to really be able to answer honestly and know your own feelings when you’re blinded by the rage and indignation of being treated like crap.

As for feeling safe I’ll admit that’s one of the perks - however her constantly commenting about other people she wants (hockey players, firefighters, lead singers of rock bands, actors…the list goes on) and several people constantly suggesting she get back with her ex who travels from another continent to see her and who she recently announced she would go visit when I get busy with work this summer kind of takes the luster off the ’safety’ factor.

“Dump the mother f*ck*r already”
You may have a point but I think she should be afforded a chance to explain herself first.

Thank you everyone for your comments, please keep them coming!

The drama (see ‘Giving Up’) continues…

We chatted briefly last night and it was as if nothing had happened, as if this were weeks and weeks ago and nothing was wrong.

Have I perhaps crossed into a parallel dimension of some sort? An alternate timeline in which I wasn’t treated like crap? Or worse yet never spoke up for myself?

I’ve seen Sliders, ‘Parallels’ (TNG), and Back To The Future, I know how this works. Do red lights mean ‘go’? Have the Borg taken over? Quick, has anyone seen a flying DeLorean?!

For those of you that see through the sarcasm I think we can all agree the “placating and not caring”, “avoiding the problem”, and “I’ve been written off” theories are gaining some credibility…although that last one seems less likely.

How about a cane with a snake? An anomaly in the Devron system? A British police call box? A wonky wormhole (say, undergoing a subspace inversion)? A phone booth with an antenna and two ‘dudes’ from the 80s? A malfunctioning transporter? A large circular rock that glows and awaits a question? Spaceship slingshotting around the sun?  A highly localized disturbance in the space-time continuum? A balding guy who likes to snap his fingers? A guy name Braxton? Ship named Relativity? Guy in a blue or black jumpsuit who calls himself Daniels? Bajoran Orb? An energy ribbon that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside? An intense firefight with warbirds ending with a brace of torpedoes? Warp bubble? Quantum singularity (micro or otherwise)? A bunch of Kemocite? A polaric explosion? There’s got to be some explanation…

In relation to the ongoing story arc last updated in ‘Follow Up’…

I’m more and more thinking about giving up. I feel that I’ve given quite a lot, I certainly could have given more in terms of time, calls, PDAs (not the handheld devices), and her parents but I think on the whole I did a decent job of trying to achieve a balance. We spent a lot of time together, I paid for both of us often enough, I’d say I’m a fairly giving partner, and I frankly thought my gifts were thoughtful and pleasantly surprising. Well after all that giving I have one more thing to throw in: the towel.

Last night she admitted, without any prompting, to not doing a particularly good job with either herself or us in the last 2 weeks - it was nice to hear that she’s atleast somewhat aware of it. Sensing an atmosphere of honesty and openness I came clean on my feelings of being disrespected. She said she understood and had to go to bed. Admittedly she had already mentioned she had an early start the next day however a) she brought the subject up and b) a “I feel bad”, “you’re right”, or even a “we’ll talk about this later” would have been nice. Strictly speaking she did acknowledge my feelings by saying she understood but it still came off as rather dismissive.

I’m aware that I can on occasion be somewhat passive aggressive but in this case I was straightforward with my feelings and tried talking it out, I tried to give her a chance to talk about things. Either the offer was rejected or my timing was poor but either way the issues remain unresolved.

Before logging off she mentioned that she had talked to my best friend. I thought this odd so I asked her how he was doing, hoping the irony of having to get an update on the status of my best friend from my estranged girlfriend might prompt some sort of explanation - alas it either went over her head or she chose to ignore it. I’ll have to follow-up with him but I’m sure were it of any relevance he would have contacted me.

Another friend of mine suggests that she is just placating me and only cares about herself. I know her a bit better so I think it also possible that she simply doesn’t know how to react or wants to talk about it later but doesn’t want to “schedule a meeting” as she once did before (for which I complained - why say “we need to talk about something serious…in a week”?). There is of course the third possibility that she has simply written the situation off - to that I can relate.

A friend of mine asked “if someone were treating me this way what would YOU suggest I do?”. It was an interesting and surprising thought. I’m pretty sure I’d tell my friend to not put up with it any more.

My friend went on to observe, very perceptively, that I do not like to be alone. However, she continued, I am currently in isolation and suffering from abandonment. “Which fate is worse?” she challenged.

I think the question is even more fundamental than that: how can you be happy without respect? Self respect demands that I stand up. When putting your foot down doesn’t work I don’t think of it as a failing to admit to yourself that you may have only one choice: giving up.

And that’s The Wørd.

(sorry, despite the seriousness of the subject matter I couldn’t resist)

Edmonton’s finally going after dirty goals but they still need to take more shots on the power play.

One bleary-eyed morning I’m clearing out my junk mail folder which I quickly scroll through to ensure nothing important is being filtered when I notice the subject line “Escape To Your Own Private Bath With Dave”

Now I do on occasion get a chuckle out of Spammers transparent and sometimes very creative attempts to get your click but they seemed to have reached an all-new low. I mean, how big of a niche market could that appeal to?! I think more people still believe Bill Gates wants to give them money for doing stuff with e-mail. I will bestow credit upon tricky ideas used to garner your attention but this wouldn’t even accomplish it’s goals. Even if it were a girl’s name I wouldn’t think of opening that message. Not only is Spam getting more frequent but it’s just getting dumb. And another thing…

Oh wait.

It says “Escape To Your Own Private Bath With DOVE”

Nevermind.

I wasn’t expecting to catch this game but I had been uninvited to a dinner with some overseas visitors (a harbinger of things to come perhaps?) so I was able to watch it…unfortunately.

I wonder, do players ever get sick of anthems? They have to listen to them 80-100 times a year I figure, do they still inspire patriotic fervor after 75 gos?

Edmonton’s goalie choice must have been hard and beyond that I have no comment as I likely would have been paralyzed with fear if I had to choose.

Edmonton seems to have alternating moments of brilliance and idiocy - amazing rushes at Carolina’s net but then someone falls down while skating alone away from the action in their own zone. From champions to minor league and back again.

How can Edmonton expect to win if no one shoots?

Edmonton has some great stick handling but that alone doesn’t win games.

* * *

For those of you caught up in recent drama, here’s your daily fix, a gem from mid-April…

http://www.clubvibes.com/forum/topic.asp?topic_id=409462&forum_id=11

What’s more amusing, I’m pretty sure the respondent who pulled this post from the vaults is an ex of mine in disguise. Man I look forward to removing all this drama from my life…

After posting ‘Officially A Chump’ three noteworthy things occurred.

1) Someone important to me read the entry and said while they had lost all respect for her they were beginning to lose respect for me for letting it go on for so long.

2) An attractive bisexual woman I had never met before expressed an interest in me based solely on one picture and some pithy comments I wrote on a website.

3) She (the tour guide of ‘Left Behind’) came online and shortly before midnight, without any prompting said something along the lines of “thanks for tonight, it was just what I needed”

So what does it all mean?

1) If I want to retain some self respect (to say nothing of that of my friends) I need to make a move, clearly putting my foot down wasn’t sufficient.

2) I’m still attractive to attractive people who might just value my quirkiness (to say nothing of valuing me).

3) This isn’t going to be easy. Like when in Office Space the guy talks about doing just enough to avoid being fired she seems to stop just short of furnishing irrefutable just cause to dump.

So what will I do? What will I say? I plan to suggest we try being friends because clearly we need to work on the basics, like respect.

Prior to the events chronicled in ‘Left Behind’ and ‘The Other Shoe Drops…With My Foot In It’ I offered to let her and 3 friends into the amusement park where I work for free and when 4 more passes became available she asked for those too. I had forgotten if I had given her the first passes and when I went to double check because I had gotten more she asked for the new ones as well. I had been thinking about offering them to someone else but whatever.

I am, if nothing else, a man of my word.

So despite recent issues I decided to be a gentleman about things. As part of the free ticket package I provided her and 7 of her friends admission, a drink, a popcorn or cotton candy, and a game. I greeted them at the gate and they promptly rushed off without saying a word. I later saw her and she walked towards me but at the last moment veered away. Later I caught them unawares and tried to be friendly asking how they were, if they were enjoying themselves, if there was anything they needed. The UK trio was polite, honest, and direct. I asked them if they needed any extra vouchers for anything, a couple politely asked for one or two and then one woman she had brought that I hadn’t met before to my recollection asks me how many vouchers I had, despite her aggressive and opportunistic tone I tried to think well of her and thought perhaps she wanted to make sure her request wouldn’t deplete my supply of vouchers too greatly. Once again, more the fool I. I told her I had several and she asked for all of them. I tried to laugh it off but she just stared at me with cold eyes. I said “tell me ONE thing that you want and I’ll see what I can do” she eventually held me to 2 vouchers. I put on my best smile, told them all to have fun and contact me if they needed anything and continued on for I was working at the event. I checked in on them one or two more times throughout the evening doing my best to be a gracious host. Providing yet more vouchers, answering questions, telling jokes. During once such attempt I was largely ignored except when I asked directed questions at specific individuals. One of her friends whom I hadn’t met before had only asked for one additional voucher all night and was very appreciative. The UK trio were polite and thanked me in passing whenever I did something for them. She at one point, after having just gotten several more vouchers for games from me said something along the lines of “it’s about time” or something similar, I can’t remember that exact line at the moment but the sarcasm was clear. She softened the blow after my face fell by saying she was just kidding - that was as close as I got to a thank you from her all night. The rest of the group with the exception of her greedy friend thanked me quietly whenever I went above and beyond but I think only one of the UK trio, the really nice guy, ever said a thing about me getting them in in the first place. Not even the offer of a ride home which would have been nice but wasn’t expected, although really I shouldn’t even allow myself to ponder that possibility as we all know quite well by now that there isn’t room for me anymore.

Admittedly had recent events not occurred I probably wouldn’t have even noticed the lack of gratitude as that is not why I do things but tonight I was somewhat keenly aware of it as the night came to a close. I didn’t even get a sympathetic comment when I mentioned how I was pulling a 13 hour day. I was attentive, considerate, and bloody generous and all I got in return was the occasional obligatory thanks from her friends and demands for more from her cold-eyed friend.

In contrast last time I took someone to this event Burton stayed late and nearly forced me into the car to give me a ride home. Few can compare with Burton’s kindness of course but the dichotomy is striking I think.

Now the day wasn’t all bad, I jumped on an opportunity at work I had been waiting for since I got my new position and even had a sweet moment or two with a departing coworker. Sweet moments, it felt like getting a breath of fresh air after having your head held under water for too long - it felt so good it almost stung just because it’s purity and positivity had become so rare in my life of late. I haven’t felt like that in SO long - just a sweet moment shared with just one other fit for a romantic movie that would make Nora Ephron proud. But I digress.

I’m going to come clean on a few issues now. The ‘her’ in these tails is my girlfriend of over a year. I was trying to preserve identities to protect the innocent but one needs to be innocent for such consideration. We’ve been chatting some things out over msn, my screenname and usernote changing along the way. On the way home today 2 things occurred to me. 1) My screenname and usernote are methods of communication that often give clues about my mood or issues I may be facing both happy and other. These are aides in discussion and fixing things. 2) For the first time ever I DON’T want to fix things - no screenname or usernote for me for awhile as I no longer want to help her figure things out. For the first time I have one simple feeling (beyond the rage and indignation of course)…

I. Want. Out.

Will I feel the same way in the morning? Will the strength of my convictions (or is it anger) hold? Only time will tell.

So the question I leave you with is this: All things considered, on a scale of 1 to 10, how big a chump I?

I was surprised the other night when an ex-girlfriend began messaging me on msn (the Mormon for those of you keeping score). As anyone who knows how we met (and if you know how we ended up on each others msn in the first place PLEASE let me know!) she has a peculiar way of chatting that to the uninitiated can seem like an interrogation. After grilling me about my life she casually mentioned how she’s been married for a year at which point it hits me, not only are 2 former paramours of mine married but have been so for over a year now. It makes me a little sad, not that I missed opportunities with them as I know we weren’t right for each other but the idea of marriage and that I don’t see that happening any time soon.

She also intimated that I have a small army of Asian friends. Misread you might think I only had Asian friends. It seems trite but I really don’t think of them in those terms. I don’t think she meant it that way either, she was just trying to describe some people who she hadn’t seen in years and whose names she had forgotten.

One thing she said that definitely stood out for me was when I told her about my new job with a company I’ve been with for 10 years now she said I was “an amazing example of following your dreams”

Me?

I gave up on a career in acting upon graduating high school because there was no job security. Plus I’m just not that ruthless, I’m no cutthroat like Lindsey Lohan. I wanted to be one of the first in my group of friends to get married. I wanted to study Physics but had to give it up because my grasp of Chemistry was so poor.

In my new job I make sure everyone is wearing the proper uniform - hardly the stuff of dreams. In fact I daresay it’s firmly rooted in the mundane. But I got to thinking about this and I am working at the company I wanted to, I manage my own department, and this new position is a step towards future goals. I have accomplished a lot. I won a employee recognition program at work, I was an Assistant Manager, I have my own business cards, a corporate cell is on the way and I’ve had one in the past (I know, weird dreams have I), I was a motivational speaker to hundreds of people both young and old to record-setting positive reviews from the audiences, I’ve ushered dozens if not hundreds of young people into their first jobs, I’ve saved the day so many times I’ve become known for it and perhaps most importantly, I’m needed.

Following my dreams? Heck ya, I guess I am. So what advice does this example have?  Like with improv, don’t fall in love with an idea - keep your dreams flexible and adaptive. And of course it doesn’t hurt to have humble dreams…so long as all paths eventually lead to world domination.

First to clarify a few things about my earlier post (see ‘Left Behind’)…I wasn’t the only person playing tour guide, I was just asked to come along at the request of the real tour guide. When they left for the mall at 10am we talked on the phone and decided to meet up when they were done at the mall. The day before we had spent together, the 3 visitors from the UK, the real tour guide, and myself - everything seemed fine.

Comments I received regarding that post included “I can’t believe they ditched you”, “you have every right to be furious, they clearly don’t respect you”, “You’re better off without them”, and “Maybe they just lost sight of the day and forgot about you”. Thanks Mom for that last one.

So late last night I was able to get some answers. It turns out the person who invited me stopped to help someone after going to the mall and while she was doing this the UK trio invited someone else along who they know better than I and had yet to see this trip, however they still should have known I was already supposed to be going. Allegedly somewhere along the line there was a text message that was meant for me that was accidentally sent to someone else but that doesn’t seem to mitigate things much. So it wasn’t completely malicious, it’s not that I pissed them off (I asked) so either I was easily forgotten or just not important enough to be included.

So after expressing my anger it seemed a halfhearted apology was all I was going to get and the topic moved on to an e-mail she had received and a work dilemma she was facing. Seeing the degree of importance my hurt feelings had with her I suggested that I sit the rest of this visit out as I’m clearly not welcome or at the very least not a priority and they have other people they’d rather see this trip, people they’ve known a lot longer than me so that’s fine. It would have been nice had they decided not to bother inviting me in the first place though as I would have been spared the cold “we’re going to have fun and there’s no room for you” text message. I mean really, who would say something like that? The intention may not have been to rub it in my face but it’s pretty hard not to think of it that way. So after discussing all that I’m told that I am a part of the group whether they or I like it or not and that I will be going with them in the future.

This crossed a line.

Before there was the possibility of innocent explanations for everything (although really I’d be a chump for thinking so) but now I was being told I didn’t have a choice and if there’s one thing that gets my back up is having my choices and freedoms taken away. I have a PoliSci degree so I have some conception of what happens when you let your freedom be eroded and at the risk of sounding American there’s few things worth fighting for as much as freedom.

So I put my foot down.

I politely but firmly informed her that I in fact DO have a choice and I am choosing not to subject myself to this treatment again. They can have their fun without me. She then compromised saying she would invite me but I could refuse. This was followed by a more sincere apology and an abrupt log off - not really sure if that would be the equivalent of storming out or running off or something else but I said all that I felt I needed to and the resolution suits me fine so I don’t see any point in pursuing the matter. I’m angry at the lack of respect and the callous disregard for my feelings but I’m the outsider here so I’ll let them focus on each other while they’re in town and life will continue on as normal afterwords. In the meantime perhaps I can reconnect with some friends that I haven’t seen in awhile.

Had plans to spend the weekend playing tour guide to some visitors from the UK but today it seems I was persona non gratis for some reason. Perhaps I wasn’t interesting enough yesterday, perhaps I missed out because I didn’t go to the mall this morning, perhaps they just suddenly didn’t have room for me but it would be kind of nice if I at least knew why (or perhaps who replaced me). I was asked several times if I wanted to go to the mall this morning and despite always saying yes I kept being asked if I was sure so I was beginning to get the impression they’d like some time without me as they’re a closer knit group so I took the morning off with the plans being they’d call me when they left the mall and we’d meet up then.

They left for the mall at 10am. At 6:45pm, nearly 9 hours later, I get a text message saying they’re going go karting and there isn’t room for me but they’d call me when they were done. Then at 9pm they come online, say they’re sorry but don’t answer any of my questions about what’s going on, had me send them a picture, and then abruptly log off.

Do I have a right to be angry about this? What do you think an appropriate response would be? What would you have done?

Oasis will always remind me of the PNE. Just like any song I ever used in a road trip video will forever be associated in my mind with that particular project. For the last few years Oasis was an important part of my strategy to stay sane during the craziest (and most rewarding, challenging, and enjoyable) part of my year. Before last year on the way to and from work I would listen to What’s The Story Morning Glory for the first half of fair and Be Here Now for the second. Last year I loaded both along with some newer hits and Supersonic onto my PDA. Being management I would almost always arrive on site before most everyone else. I would walk from the gate to the center of the grounds where my headquarters were located and every morning made for a perfect music video in my mind (this is how I think). I would think about everything I’ve seen, everything that’s happened, and all the promise of what was to come. I would think of these wonderful people I have the privilege of working with and this great organization that I serve and warm fuzzy feelings would ensue.

Now that I am in a different department every time I hear an Oasis song I think of that line from You’ve Got Mail about how at Christmas she misses her mom so much it hurts - I can relate.

I’ve got a new group of kids to shepard through the fair, a new trailer, new challenges but I doubt I’ll ever stop thinking about the family that I left behind. Granted things will be very different for them too, their operations will be significantly changed this year - even my aforementioned headquarters won’t be the same. Now I often saw myself as the defender of what was but these decisions had been made and set in stone far above my sphere of influence so it would have been out of my hands either way, although I suppose I would have made it more livable. But they’re a great bunch and they’ll do fine without me. It’s going to be VERY hard not to be a part of that this year but I’ll be in the area, visiting frequently if I have anything to say about it, and I’m sure new challenges will greet me and hopefully benefit from my attention. But I think every time an Oasis song plays I’ll want to go back for one more day…

Well no one guessed how much my ISP was going to offer so I suppose you’re all correct: $0. I WAS going to keep the identity of my ISP a secret but since they’ve left me with no recourse it’s time to tell my 10+ people of the poor service I received. Here is a slightly edited version of their reply to my previously posted e-mail (see ‘The Ultimate Showdown Of Ultimate Destiny’):

Hello I am a member of the Internet assistance team. We would like to extend our apologies about the past incidents. Unfortunately we are not in the position to be able to resolve any past issues. The reason for this reply is to explain why the past 2 emails have been sent to you. The first email was about going over our limits, the second email was an apology for having sent the email in error due to the mailer sending our ‘extreme – I’ customer’s an email when they were NOT over the bandwidth limits.  We have closed the issue on our side and apologize for the email sent in error.

Once again we do thank you for replying promptly to our e-mails.  Your ticket with the bandwidth team is now closed due to it was created in error. We would like to express our most sincere apologies regarding your past experiences with us.

My thoughts regarding the first game of the Stanley Cup Finals…

I noticed how a puck sliding flat and normally suddenly began to bounce shortly after it slid across the blue line into Edmonton’s zone in the first 5 minutes of the game leading me to wonder about the ice quality in Raleigh but thankfully I wasn’t the only one who noticed and thanks to Don Cherry’s investigative skills we now know that during practice the Hurricanes intentionally distressed the ice surface.

Carolina’s intensity had me worried early on in the game.

The first goal was definitely important but clearly not all she wrote.

I noticed Edmonton’s strategy does not include clogging up the neutral zone or blue line during the PK - it allows Carolina to gain the zone easier but they button up the space in front of the net quickly and effectively.

We may have lost the game but we made the record books: first successful penalty shot during the finals EVER.

Near the end Roloson started looking frantic. One thing I’ve noticed about new goaltenders, take Slade of the Giants for example, is that they make quick, large, sweeping movements that may stop the current shot but leave the net open if there’s a rebound. It’s damn fun to watch but veteran goaltenders know from experience how that can backfire but it seems Roloson forgot this after Edmonton’s first 3 goals. Frankly before he was injured I would have considered pulling him when he was hemorrhaging goals because he wasn’t at the top of his game, or at least didn’t seem to have his usual focus (usual for these playoffs I mean, there were times when they were playing Vancouver that I thought he was watching another game entirely, not that I minded at the time).

I think both sides had both goals and saves that they didn’t deserve. Luck seemed to play a huge part in this game.

Right after the hit that took Roloson out of the game he looked unconscious. He was a trooper for wanting to stay in however you need to think about the good of your team especially during the playoffs. If you’re injured but can still give 100% then by all means play on but when it impacts your performance take a back seat for the good of the team for God’s sake.

I’ll say this Carolina has a strong fore check, they don’t let up and try to take every chance they can manufacture - frankly these playoffs have surprised me that more teams haven’t been doing this. It results in Edmonton looking rushed even when they have possession in their own zone.

Am I the only one who thinks Brind’amour is one ugly SOB?

I was going to write about the game but that will have to wait for tomorrow because I just had to share this with you…

Mindi: If we’re all God’s children, what makes Jesus so special?
Me: First RE-born?
Mindi: HAHAHAHAH!!!!!! YES!!
Me: We’re an entire species of middle children
Mindi: *applauds*
Me: That’s why we messed up our room

Many Americans and Canadians are in the news of late decrying Vietnam draft dodgers - clearly this issue does not have a statute of limitations which if you ask me is a shame.

“I feel as though I’ve been handed a weapon, pushed into a room and told to shoot a stranger” -Jean-luc Picard ‘Conundrum’ (TNG)

How exactly was the draft for the Vietnam war different? Refusing to defend your home is one thing, refusing to fight and die in a hopeless battle in a foreign land for murky reasons is another. What does coming forward decades hence and calling those who objected by absence cowards accomplish? What’s more (and more confounding) is the Canadians who welcomed them are also coming under fire.

I could comment further but I feel this topic has already received far too much attention of late. Besides Game 1 of the Stanley Cup Playoffs is tonight, let’s keep things in perspective people.

I have officially lost all patience I had for panhandlers and I don’t care what kind of narrow-minded, cold-hearted elitist capitalist pig that makes me. The squeegee kids have unions and many panhandlers clear more money a year than I do. Set aside the righteous indignation no doubt currently swelling within you and let’s crunch some numbers.

Say a panhandler takes in $2 every 15 minutes, that results in a tax-free wage of $8 per hour. Let us further say they operate for 10 hours a day. Personal observation has shown me both figures seem to be modest estimates. This results in $80 per day, multiply by a conservative estimate of a 6-day week and this increasingly hypothetical someone can pull down about $25,000 in a year tax-free. I have heard of some panhandlers making far more than that, beyond double that amount.

With all that in mind, consider this: As I was walking from the video store to the grocery store a man a couple years younger than I approached me wearing nice clothes and asked me to give him money, I politely declined and then he demanded I buy him milk of all things. I firmly stood my ground, looked him in the eye and said “No”. As he stormed off he said “save your precious pennies for Rogaine <expletive deleted>” I was so stunned at this incredibly mean-spirited comment I had no idea what to say in reply, but he was more than willing to fill the void adding “I hate mean people”. The woman I was with yelled back “you weren’t exactly nice to us!” and we all moved on.

Now I’m not completely unsympathetic, I realize in some cases people are on the street for heartbreaking reasons but the fact is in our current economy there is NO EXCUSE not to have a job. Unemployment is at a record low, employers across the board are having trouble finding good people and subsequently lowering their standards. On a recent visit to a neighbouring province I was offered 2 jobs as I went to get a haircut. Just today the woman I was with was offered 3 jobs at a parade she attended as a spectator. Tim Horton’s is offering signing bonuses to entry-level staff. There is simply no reason for even valid unemployment right now.

This recent incident removed that last shred of collective guilt I had for the misfortune of panhandlers. It would be overstating things to say this man ruined my night but he definitely put me in a sour mood. I did absolutely NOTHING to deserve that treatment. I have worked hard for nearly every dollar I have earned and I refuse to give any of that up to jerks such as he. He genuinely seemed to think he had a right to my money and that I was somehow crossing him by denying it to him. When did not giving away free money to anyone who asks become “mean”?

I’m not saying I’m giving up on charity, in fact this year I have already given more money to charity than any year before and despite this sour encounter I am still proud of that and will continue to give to organized charities. But after this recent experience, and not an isolated incident I assure you, the next person to stop me on the street and ask for money will not even get a second thought. In the past I would consider it but no longer. I will be firm but polite at first and if they persist I will turn my not inappropriate lack of sympathy upon them. I refuse to enable anyone to behave in such a way. Open-mindedness and compassion are laudable goals but when it enables people to do drugs, be irresponsible, or simply be hurtful then it is counter-productive and in the end often does more harm than good.

Further support of this position just arrived when shortly after midnight an Asian male I had never seen before knocked on my door. I am in a small apartment building so this is disconcerting enough that he gained access to the hallway. He said he found a pizza outside his door and wanted to give it to one of the other tenants of the building whom he thought was on welfare and might be hungry. In a different time and place the man’s humanitarian effort might have been saintly but let us consider a few things. For one he was trespassing in the middle of the night. The tenant he wanted to give the pizza to is a known drug user, disruptive influence in the building, and all around a drunk jerk. Somehow he always seems to dodge the consequences of his actions. So was this mysterious man trying to feed someone in need, trying to poison someone who owed him money for drugs, or just enabling the jerk down the hall to continue destroying his own life and disrupting mine?

As a society we value tolerance and open-mindedness but sometimes I wonder if this has gone so far as to make us devoid of our own opinions. Life is all about making choices and those choices based on values and frankly when someone else negatively impacts upon your life I see nothing wrong with judging them and acting accordingly. I’m always open to new ideas and having my opinions and impressions about things and people changed, but I see nothing wrong with having an opinion and my opinion is that in the current climate the vast majority of these people are part of an abusive cycle that hurts themselves and others and I refuse to be a part of it.

Conspiracy theories aside it seems my ISP sent the aforementioned e-mail (see ‘Ten Thousand Thundering Typhoons!’) in error however they did not discover this fact until I had cut back my services. Below is a slightly edited copy of my reply to their initial apology that despite they being firmly in the wrong still contained a note about me doing a better job of tracking my usage. After reading what follows please leave your comments estimating how much money they will throw at me to make this go away - to put this in perspective a similar issue with The Connect Group resulted in $100 compensation.

Recently I had begun to feel somewhat emasculated by a certain someone’s ongoing comments about people they thought more attractive than I: Hockey Players, Firefighters, VJs, and that new lead singer of INXS. Thus I was not in the best of moods at having to work at the INXS concert, especially since it was my last job in a rather tiring week. I simply wanted it to be over and my 3-day weekend to begin. Was I negatively disposed to the band because of someone’s constant fawning of JD whatever his name is? Of course, anyone in my position would be and anyone who says otherwise is lying - the difference is the degree to which this feeling is present.

Well my battered and bruised ego was in for a surprise. As the setup thus far necessitates (it’s almost redundant to say at this point) there was a girl. She was there with a guy, presumably her boyfriend but were I he things would not have gone on for as long or as far as they did. I’m not so naive as to think she was after anything more than a chance to get better seats or floor access but as I constantly said there was nothing I could do she wouldn’t leave me alone, her male companion seemed less than thrilled. She stuck to me almost all night. Holding my hand as I did my rounds (what was I to say?), linking arms as I stood at my post, dancing next to me (I daresay the word ‘grinding’ may have some application here), and even random hugs and pecks. Very strange behaviour indeed but she was a guest so who was I to gainsay her? Her significant attractiveness played no part in my decision…okay, little part. The whole time I thought to myself “crazy drunk girl wanting to get better seats” up until the encore. It had by then occurred to me that I hadn’t seen a drink in her hand all night and at no point had I actually done a single thing for her beyond tell her where her less-than-stellar seats were. It was flattering in a way that I think I intensely needed that she was paying as much attention to me as Mr. JD Popstar. When I would walk by she would grab my hand in a way that had such urgency in it and would hold on quite tight it reminded me of more romantic times. I knew it meant absolutely nothing, at best she was trying (unsuccessfully) to use me but at the same time it got my mind off of how unattractive I had felt for far too long and relaxed me enough to enjoy the show and actually be impressed by the lead singer’s abilities - which is ironic because from a professional perspective it really should have been nerve racking but I just let myself have fun with it. After the show she made a point of finding me, giving me one last hug and peck before disappearing into the crowd after thanking me “for everything”. I never even got her name.

After signing out and getting changed I was walking to the train when I saw her and her companion waiting for autographs, I smiled at her and was rewarded with a blank stare. After passing I realized I had taken my glasses off.

Clark Kent stole away into the night with a smile and a spring to his step.

I’m sure Captain Haddock would lament the sinking of any vessel, even if she were flying pirate colours (although he may be tempted to add “Fancy-dress freebooters!” to his litany). Of course the good Captain also considered the following to be insults…

• Coconuts!
• Gyroscope!
• Politician! (a case could be made…)
• Fuzzy-wuzzy!
• Carpet-sellers!
• Caterpillars!
• Polynesian! (that isn’t very politically correct now is it?)
• Vegetarian! (hey! I used to be one!)
• Artichokes!
• Olympic Athlete!
• Gogglers! (well if Herge accurately predicted the moon landing…)
• Bagpipers! (okay, I’ll give you that one)
• Liquorice! (I assume he means the detestable black flavour)
• Iconoclast! (given the current state of pop culture I’ve give you this one too)

What am I talking about? Why, the sinking of the good ship Pirate Bay. Seems the long arm of the law finally caught up to these lawyer-taunting buccaneers. The ‘legal threats’ portion of their website will certainly be missed. If you’ve never been, this was where they posted all of their cease and desist orders, threatening e-mails, and most importantly their replies. Comments like “if you had half a brain you might have figured out that we are not in America and not subject to your laws, the predominance of Swedish on the site would have been a good clue but you’re lawyers so we understand that common sense might be an unreasonable expectation. We kindly request you <expletive deleted> yourself. Frequently. And in public if possible”

I am of course only paraphrasing as it appears those gems are lost to the mists of time…and I frankly am too lazy to seek out the Way Back Machine.

The conspiracy theorist in me can’t help but wonder if this was part of an organized effort however as the same day as the Pirate Bay sinks off the coast of Sweden I receive a threatening e-mail from my ISP. Seems I’ve been exceeding my bandwidth limitations on my recently upgraded internet connection. Now when they called me to offer this special service I was specifically told there were NO LIMITATIONS. I plan to call my ISP presently and apologize for any trouble my patronage may have caused. I can understand how a company can be burdened by pesky customers who not only pay for but actually use a service, it must be dreadful for them. I plan to downgrade my plan and other external services I use as well just to further remove any strain I may cause and inform them I will look into alternative providers so as to COMPLETELY remove any hardship my business might bring them. I do hate to be a bother.

Special thanks to Dave’s Favorite Captain Haddock Curses (http://www3.sympatico.ca/brooksdr/haddock/main.htm) used without permission because I’m a pirate, yarrrr